Why You’ve Lost Desire in Your Relationship (And How to Get It Back) l ft. Esther Perel

Sex With Emily

Health & Fitness, Sexuality

4.2 • 6.7K Ratings

🗓️ 26 June 2025

⏱️ 51 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Join the SmartSX Membership : https://sexwithemily.com/smartsx Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/ Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. SHOP WITH EMILY!:https://bit.ly/3rNSNcZ (free shipping on orders over $99) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ In this episode of Sex with Emily, world-renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel joins us for an intimate conversation about the complexities of modern love, desire, and relationships. From her groundbreaking work on infidelity to her insights on maintaining passion in long-term partnerships, Esther shares the wisdom that has helped millions navigate the tension between security and excitement in love. We explore Esther's core philosophy that desire is not something you have—it's something you cultivate. She breaks down the fundamental paradox of modern relationships: love seeks closeness and security, while desire craves space, novelty, and mystery. We discuss how to integrate these opposing forces and why the question "Can you want what you already have?" is central to sustaining passion over time. Esther reveals why eroticism is truly a state of mind, how pleasure connects directly to self-worth, and her revolutionary perspective on infidelity—that sometimes people don't go elsewhere to find another person, but to find another version of themselves. We also dive into her new card game "Where Should We Begin," designed to foster vulnerability and deep connection through storytelling. This conversation addresses the unrealistic expectations we place on one partner to be our everything, practical tools for managing relationship anxiety, and why modern love requires us to calibrate rather than abandon our expectations. Whether you're single, coupled, or somewhere in between, Esther's insights offer a roadmap for creating more authentic, passionate connections. Timestamps 0:00 - Introduction 2:45 - The evolution from duty to desire 8:02 - Can we experience desire and deep love simultaneously? 11:20 - "I turn myself off when..." vs "I turn myself on when..." 16:00 - Pleasure vs. performance 19:09 - The ice cream exercise 25:52 - One person can't be everything 31:14 - Understanding infidelity 35:10 - Playing the relationship game 44:00 - Dealing with anxiety in love

Transcript

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0:00.0	You know I've always said that pleasure is wellness. Well, now science backs me up. Magic One just
0:06.3	released the results of a groundbreaking study, the first of its kind, measuring what happens to your mind
0:11.4	and body when you use a vibrator every day for a week. And here's what they found. Stress levels dropped,
0:17.7	sleep got better, connection increased with themselves and with partners,
0:22.2	body confidence skyrocketed, and overall happiness, it was up big time. And here's the kicker.
0:28.4	The week with no sexual activity at all, participants across the board reported worse scores
0:33.8	in every category, from mood to body image, just seven days without pleasure made a measurable
0:38.7	difference. But once they introduced the magic wand, everything shifted. So if you needed a reason
0:44.8	to prioritize your pleasure, this is it. The magic wand isn't just iconic. Research shows it makes
0:50.9	you feel better. Results are live and go check them out today at magic wand study.com.
0:55.3	And get your magic wand today to join the pleasure revolution.
0:58.4	That's magic wand study.com.
1:07.5	Here's the question for desire.
1:09.5	I turn myself off when.
1:13.3	It's very different than you turn me off when and what turns me off is.
1:18.9	Look into his eyes.
1:21.7	They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.
1:25.3	Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.
1:28.2	Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.
1:33.4	Have you ever found yourself wondering, where did the spark go?
1:37.4	Like it used to be so good, the butterflies, the chemistry that can't keep your hands off each other, energy.
1:42.4	It all just flowed.
	...

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