Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about empathizing with your partner.

When your partner is having a hard time, you might automatically try to help them.

Maybe you say things like, well, it could be worse.

And you could spin this into something positive.

And you truly have good intentions when you say it.

But you're actually invalidating their feelings.

So what's a good solution? Stop trying to change or

fix how they feel. And instead, focus on connecting with your partner. You can do that by showing

empathy and putting yourself in their shoes. Start by listening without judgment. That means

washing away all preconceived ideas about what they're

feeling and what they need. Be present in the conversation when your partner comes to you and says,

I can't stand that we've been bickering all day over text. I feel really hurt. Practice non-defensive

listening and remember how much you love and respect each other. Be curious about your

partner's feelings and consider saying something like, I feel terrible that you feel hurt. I want to know

more if you're up to talking about it. Pay attention and look for those feelings of being hurt,

sad, or angry, or whatever it is. Concentrate on that emotion and listen to what your

partner needs. And don't get swept away by the facts of what actually happened. This is where

couples can get stuck. Let's say you and your partner start arguing over who is right, when actually

both views are valid. When your partner is having a tough time,

it might not matter at all who is right or wrong.

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