Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about disagreements. It can be hard to agree to disagree with your partner

sometimes, right? Maybe you truly think that you have to agree on everything in order to have a good

relationship. And when disagreements happen, you wonder if you have any shared values at all.

But when you're feeling this way, remember, this is your partner, not your clone. Wouldn't it be

a little strange and maybe a little boring if you agreed on everything. You're both bound to see the

world differently from time to time, and maybe you can learn from each other's perspectives. What's

important here is that you're able to separate yourself from your views. Here's what we mean.

Even if you don't agree with their views, can you still see, value, understand, and

accept your partner as a human being? What do you know about your partner that might inform

these views? Let's say you're cleaning up after dinner. You offer to do the dishes while your

partner wipes down the counter. You start to load the bowls in the dishwasher when your partner says,

wait, what are you doing with those? And suddenly you find yourself in an intense debate about what

does and does not belong in the top rack. Just because you believe bowls go up there and they think

bottom rack or bust doesn't mean one of you is wrong or that you need to agree. Take a step back and look for ways to understand

their perspective and why it's important to them. Maybe they wanted to move the bowls to the

bottom rack so they can fit all the dishes in this load, so you don't have to worry about it in the

morning. You could say, oh, I see where you're coming from, thanks. I was worried about the

bull's breaking, so I usually put them in the top rack. But I get it. No matter how you end up loading the dishes, talking it through with the desire of understanding each other makes room for different perspectives in the relationship, which happens all the time. Since you are your own people with your own thoughts and styles. So, change the

goal from agreement to understanding. Here's today's small thing. The next time you're in a

disagreement with a loved one, focus on understanding their point of view. You don't have to

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