You walk into a conversation or a meeting, you know what you really think, what you really feel, what you want to say. And then in that moment, something different comes out of your mouth. It's softer, it's pleasing, maybe it's too nice, watered down. And then you walk away from that situation frustrated. Like, why didn't I just say what I wanted to say? Why didn't I just shoot straight there? And if this pattern keeps happening for you, there is a reason. That's what you're going to discover in this, why that keeps happening. And it's not some problem. It's not some lack of willpower. It's not some weakness. It's actually a survival strategy that's happening beneath the level of your conscious mind. It's happening in a deeper center

in your brain that's keeping you safe. You're going to see exactly what that is and how to shift

this in the most fundamental way. So what's going on in the situation? It could be a work situation,

a personal situation. Well, it might start to feel a bit more high stakes. And this doesn't have to be

like make or break life stake situation,

but it's, okay, I need to tell this person something they might not like. I need to have a

direct conversation with this person. I need to question or challenge them or reveal something

that could upset them in a personal situation, right? Maybe I'm going to ask for something or maybe I have to tell them something or I don't want

the same thing as them or I need something in this relationship and I'm not sure if they're

going to want to give it or not.

We have a different idea about what to do with the kids or the family or where do we go

for Thanksgiving or whatever.

And in those situations, you're not sure how the other person is going to

respond. And it could be, quote, bad, right? What's bad? They get upset. They get annoyed. They push

back. You're going to hurt their feelings. Something is going to happen. That's what we don't want.

And then this pattern kicks in. And the reason this pattern kicks in, and this pattern,

by the way, is what I call the diplomat, where you soften what you say, you make it smooth,

palatable, you edit it, you leave out the rough stuff because you're overly taking care of the

other person is what you might tell yourself. But underneath, you're making sure of one thing,

which is that they don't disapprove

of you. And this is what I call the approval trap, where we've learned that disapproval is dangerous

and therefore I can't be myself around you. I have to hide a bunch of myself or pretend or polish

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