Why People Pleasing Happens (And How To Stop)
A New Way of Being
Simon Mundie
4.8 • 523 Ratings
🗓️ 11 March 2026
⏱️ 6 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
People pleasing often looks kind on the surface. But over time it can lead to exhaustion, resentment - and burnout. In this episode, I explore why people pleasing develops in the first place and why it’s rooted in a childhood strategy to secure love and approval. More importantly, I share a different way of working with the pattern. Instead of trying to force yourself to “stop”, the real shift comes from recognising the deeper fear driving it and learning how to meet that feeling directly.
When you do, something surprising happens: the pattern begins to soften, and the approval you’ve been chasing outside yourself becomes far less important. If you struggle to say no, overcommit, or feel responsible for other people’s emotions, this episode will help you understand why - and what actually leads to lasting change.
To explore this work more deeply, you can book a free 15 minute 1:1 consultation here: https://calendly.com/simon-wgw/simon-mundie-intro-call
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | If you struggle with people pleasing, you may have noticed something strange, which is that |
| 0:08.8 | on the surface, it seems kind. But over time, resentment builds. And when you try and stop, fear rushes |
| 0:18.8 | in. And there's a good reason for that. When we are children, |
| 0:24.6 | we equate approval with love. When, for example, our parents withdraw an emotional connection, |
| 0:36.0 | it hurts. |
| 0:41.4 | And we feel that as a loss of safety and a loss of belonging. |
| 0:48.5 | So a strategy the mind can come up with is to please people so that we retain their approval and feel safe. |
| 0:54.7 | So it's a strategy the mind comes up with to help us survive. |
| 1:00.0 | And it deserves respect for that reason. |
| 1:02.5 | But as we become adults and that people pleasing pattern stays in place, |
| 1:16.0 | it's extremely tiring and it can absolutely lead to burnout. |
| 1:26.3 | And also there is this sense of resentment builds because people go out of their way to seemingly help other people and it's not reciprocated. |
| 1:29.4 | And there's that sense of this person's even taking advantage of me so people pleasing which was laid down as a pattern to help us feel safe |
| 1:38.8 | in our family of origin does no such thing when we become adults. |
| 1:46.3 | We lose crucial energy. |
| 1:55.2 | But when people try and stop, this anxiety can come flooding in and the mind can really start going, coming up with reasons, |
| 1:58.7 | oh, maybe they're crossed with me or I could |
| 2:01.2 | lose them as a friend. And that's a really valuable sign when the mind starts churning in that way. |
| 2:11.5 | Because it's not about the thoughts that are there. A spinning mind like that is often a sign that we are avoiding a feeling. |
| 2:20.3 | But the mind would rather ruminate, seemingly, than allow us to feel an intense sensation, like fear. And that's because the nervous system still |
| 2:39.7 | equates approval with love. But approval is not love. And so rather than just try and |
| 2:47.7 | stop cold turkey, the best or the better thing to do is to recognize the pattern |
... |
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