I never once grew up desiring or picturing myself, having kids.

I do not desire to bear children from my body at all.

Hey, Alison Stoner here, author of semi-well-adjusted despite literally everything.

When I was writing my memoir, I found a box of journals,

detailing my vulnerable past experiences.

These are diaries from my younger self.

This is a diary entry on worrying about not wanting children,

wondering if there's something wrong with myself for that.

I had to be around age 19 or 20, I think. It was probably around

my first breakup because I know he wanted to start a family and I just kept thinking like,

oh my gosh, this is not anything that's been on my mind. So this is a diary entry from my younger self.

Sometimes I feel broken for not wanting children,

as if I have some sort of biological defect

for not wanting to propagate the species.

I feel guilty for not carrying on a family name.

I mean, I'm already failing by being female in that regard,

and my parents didn't have any sons. Maybe I am irreparably selfish or something, a coward for not

wanting to grow up and take responsibility and put my dreams aside.

I keep waiting until I heal enough and then it'll click that it was just left over fear

from not having a functional home or an example of parents who stayed together and loved each other, or because I didn't even get

my childhood, so I'm just worried. I don't know the first thing about providing that to someone

else, but I am healing. I really feel that, and nothing about this is changing.

...