Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about what to do if you feel your partner hates you. Has that thought ever

entered your mind? Even for a moment. Like whatever you say is met with

hostility, and it's baffling because you think your relationship is good, maybe even healthy.

There's no abuse, infidelity, or any other major signs of distress. And the only reason you can

come up with is because they just don't like you anymore.

For instance, say you and your partner are out to dinner, and you mention you'd like to try

something new on the menu.

Immediately your partner says, what, you're bored with my cooking, I don't have enough

variety for you, or maybe you make a comment about your friends

having a great time on their vacation? And your partner replies, I'm sorry that I just don't know

how to make you happy. You're baffled and tried to explain what you meant, but it only makes

things worse. And you end up wondering what in the world

you said to get that kind of response. Why does everything you say seem to upset your partner?

Why can't you ever seem to have a normal conversation? The cause could be that your partner

is stuck in negative sentiment override. This happens when prior mismanaged conflicts or unresolved

issues between you two have caused your partner to see every single thing you say or do through a

negative filter. Are you surprised? You're not alone. Many people don't recall anything they

could have done or said that could cause such

underlying resentment, but it may not have been anything big. Small moments add up. Maybe you're

always late and leaving your partner waiting for you, or you've been ignoring the activities

...