Why Children of Divorce Grow Into Broken Adults - Erica Komisar - #1081

Modern Wisdom

Chris Williamson

Society & Culture, Health & Fitness

4.6 • 5.9K Ratings

🗓️ 6 April 2026

⏱️ 150 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Erica Komisar is a psychoanalyst, parenting expert, and author. Why do we assume kids will be okay after divorce? As separation becomes more common, the long-term impact on a child’s development is often overlooked. So what actually happens, and can divorce ever be done without damage? Expect to learn what most adults misunderstand about how deeply divorce affects kids, why constant parental conflict causes damage to children so deeply and what it does to a child’s stress system and brain development, why 50-50 custody might be a terrible idea for children, what the long-term psychological consequences are from a neglectful parent and much more… Sponsors: See discounts for all the products I use and recommend: ⁠⁠⁠https://chriswillx.com/deals⁠⁠⁠ Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period from Shopify at ⁠https://shopify.com/modernwisdom⁠ Get a Free Sample Pack of LMNT’s most popular flavours with your first purchase at ⁠https://drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom⁠ Get 15% off your first order of my favourite Non-Alcoholic Brew at ⁠https://athleticbrewing.com/modernwisdom⁠ Get 35% off your first subscription on the best supplements from Momentous at ⁠https://livemomentous.com/modernwisdom Timestamps: (0:00) Why is Erica’s Work So Controversial? (1:22) The Hidden Impacts of Divorce on Children (4:19) How Stress Reshapes a Child’s Brain (11:05) Is a Friendly Divorce Still Damaging? (14:22) Is 50/50 Custody Always the Right Choice? (22:13) Should Fathers Take a Step Back After Divorce? (26:18) Is There Ever a Right Time to Divorce? (30:52) How Divorce Shapes a Child’s Future (33:04) Boys vs Girls: Who Does Divorce Hit Harder? (34:57) Is Separation During Pregnancy Dangerous? (42:02) Why Children Blame Themselves for Divorce (50:47) Divorce Feels Like Grief For Children (52:25) When Should You Tell the Kids? (54:26) The Worst Ways to Explain Divorce to Children (59:27) Why Promises Can Backfire (01:01:19) What Makes a Divorce “Good” or “Bad”? (01:05:22) Why Stability Matters More Than You Think (01:08:31) How Much Time Should Each Parent Get? (01:14:15) Why Babies' Needs Must Come First (01:19:06) How Parents Can Stay Emotionally Steady (01:21:36) What Secure Attachment Really Looks Like (01:27:58) How the Feminist Movement Left Children Behind (01:35:09) Is Daycare the Worst Place For Children? (01:38:21) We Can’t Ignore Early Attachment (01:40:13) Are Attachment Styles Inherited? (01:41:17) Are Babies Born Aggressive? (01:49:54) How Children Cope With Absence (01:53:25) The Hard Truth About Sacrifice in Parenting (01:59:34) The Toughest Realisations For Modern Mothers (02:09:16) Why Trust is the Foundation of Parenting (02:13:17) The Hidden Challenges of Female Breadwinners (02:23:26) Why Emotional Presence Matters Just as Much as Physical (02:29:33) Where to Find Erica Extra Stuff: Get my free reading list of 100 books to read before you die: ⁠⁠https://chriswillx.com/books⁠⁠ Try my productivity energy drink Neutonic: ⁠⁠https://neutonic.com/modernwisdom⁠⁠ Episodes You Might Enjoy: #577 - David Goggins - This Is How To Master Your Life: ⁠⁠lnkfi.re/SN-Goggins⁠⁠ #712 - Dr Jordan Peterson - How To Destroy Your Negative Beliefs: ⁠⁠lnkfi.re/SN-Peterson⁠⁠ #700 - Dr Andrew Huberman - The Secret Tools To Hack Your Brain: ⁠⁠lnkfi.re/SN-Huberman⁠⁠ - Get In Touch: Instagram: ⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx⁠⁠ Twitter: ⁠⁠https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx⁠⁠ YouTube: ⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/modernwisdompodcast⁠⁠ Email: ⁠⁠https://chriswillx.com/contact⁠⁠ - Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	Why do you think your work is seen as controversial?
0:03.8	Well, a number of reasons.
0:06.0	I think some of the things I talk about, even though they're truths, their inconvenient truths.
0:12.1	You know, my first book was about the importance of attachment security, the first three years, and a mother's presence.
0:19.3	And so I think originally when that book came out,
0:22.9	it was perceived as a message, which it really wasn't,
0:26.7	which was an anti-feminist message, that women shouldn't work.
0:29.7	That wasn't the message of the book at all.
0:33.3	Rather, it was a message about the importance of a mother or primary attachment figures,
0:39.4	physical and emotional presence as much as possible in the first three years.
0:43.6	And again, that's a sensitive message in a society that says, work, work, everybody should work,
0:48.8	work, work, and no one should raise their own children.
0:51.8	And so I think that's how I originally became controversial.
0:54.8	I think I'm controversial in many ways. I think my most recent book is controversial in other ways.
1:00.8	My book on divorce, which...
1:03.2	Much less contentious topic. It is, but it isn't because the book actually makes the argument of
1:09.6	this idea of 50-50 needs to be looked at very carefully,
1:14.4	that we are treating children like possessions and divorces.
1:18.8	So that's a sort of controversial idea.
1:21.9	Yeah.
1:22.8	I think many people assume that kids are quite resilient.
1:27.3	From your clinical work, what do most adults misunderstand about what divorce does to kids?
	...

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