Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about how being neutral can be invalidating to your partner. What does that mean?

Here's an example. Say your partner comes home from work, so upset they can barely speak.

You ask what's wrong, and they tell you. Their boss took the credit for their legal brief.

And all day long, their boss has been getting accolades for your partner's six weeks of hard work.

Your partner is inconsolable. So you say, don't worry,

you're still getting a paycheck every week. Or they're your boss. That's what happens in business.

Or maybe even, why does this bother you so much? Just forget it. You're overreacting. Let's have

dinner. And then when your partner asks you why you're not

being supportive and always taking the other person's side, you say, I'm not siding with anyone,

I'm just neutral. Well, we're here to tell you that being neutral to your partner at a time when

they are hurting and desperately need you to hear them can be incredibly destructive.

Your neutrality can cause them to feel invalidated, unheard, not respected, and not valued.

And over time, that can cause a deep wound that can irrevocably erode the trust and relationship

between the two of you. But a word of caution, validation doesn't necessarily mean you have to

agree with your partner or their stance. It simply means that you recognize their feelings as real

and valid for them. If you're consistently staying neutral when your partner comes to you with an

emotional issue, it's important to look inside yourself and figure out why you react that way.

Are you uncomfortable when your partner expresses strong emotions? Do you feel you're actually helping by making

the event smaller than it is? Or are you trying to fix things by telling them they shouldn't feel

that way? Finding out why you respond the way you do can be the start of a powerful change. But take heart.

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