Hi. You're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less. Today's tip is about

taking responsibility instead of becoming defensive. When you're dealing with a conflict in your

relationship, it's easy to get defensive. It's easy to say things like,

I'm acting this way because of what you've done. But what is that doing to your relationship?

The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility. Let's say you've had a bad day. And maybe

your partner just said something that made you nearly implode.

They didn't even say anything that would normally upset you, but today, it really rubbed you the wrong way. You've had a hard day at home with the kids while trying to work

remotely and your partner walks in and says, what's for dinner? It feels like they are totally

disregarding the fact that you have a crying kid in your arms while also trying to video chat with your boss.

Your partner didn't necessarily mean anything by the question of what's for dinner, but that question basically made your eyeballs pop out of your head.

All you can say is, are you kidding me right now?

Followed by the nastiest look that you can muster.

So what happens when your partner confronts you later? They think that you blew it up out of nowhere.

It may be hard in this moment, but take a deep breath and choose to see where they're coming from.

Try to shake off the need to defend yourself at all costs and focus on the full situation.

When you take a minute to consider the full picture, you could avoid saying, I responded

that way because you were oblivious to the situation, and instead say, I'm sorry for how I reacted.

I was feeling overwhelmed in that moment. When we take responsibility for words or actions

that have caused distress, we're opening the door to changes we need to make in order to have a

healthy relationship. Defensiveness can keep the door slammed shut. So it's important to acknowledge

the pain that you may have caused. Remember that you love your partner and channel that

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