"Who Knew Christmas Needed a Jew?" - Original Song from "The Jew Who Saved Christmas"
Table Read
Manifest Media / TABLE READ
4.0 • 440 Ratings
🗓️ 7 December 2024
⏱️ 2 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
WHO KNEW CHRISTMAS NEEDED A JEW:
By: Selyna Warren, Marissa Read, and Jason Currie
BERNIE
Wait. What’s happening?
SANTA
Christmas feels different.
Something feels new.
The snow’s whiter, it’s so much brighter,
and it’s all because of you know who…
BERNIE
Wait… are you talking about me?
SANTA
I’ve roasted all the chestnuts,
killed all the Christmas geese!
But it’s been so monotonous delivering world peace.
Suddenly through your eyes a brand new view.
Who knew Christmas needed a jew?
BERNIE
- ISH. We prefer jewish, but I think I get what’s going on here. Your next miracle is to be all Barbara and sing -
SANTA
I’ve whistled all the carols that could ever have been sung.
The chimneys I’ve been sliding down have given me black lung.
BERNIE
Wait, what? I’ve been sliding down chimneys ALL FRIGGEN NIGHT!
SANTA
Look! I know longer have the soot flu.
Who knew Christmas needed a Jew?
BERNIE
Okay, if you think I’m gonna join you in some dorky little diddy then you are absolutely… correct!
I’ve spent every Christmas eating chinese food alone.
“The dark house on the block”,
that’s what they used to call my home.
But with you I thinkI’ve finally got my shot.
Christmas neede a jew, who knew a jew needed Christmas?
Okay, sorry, I don't have like a magical weed given song gift. I can’t like improvise rhymes on the fly.
SANTA
Ho ho …. that’s alright!
I’ll bring all the jolly.
BERNIE
And I’ll bring all the oy!
BOTH
We fit together perfectly,
BERNIE
This Hebrew
SANTA
and this goy!
SANTA
You lit up my yule-tide log and it’s -
BOTH
- burning bright!
BERNIE
The sleigh is not the only thing that’s -
BOTH
- higher than a kite!
A holly jolly mitzvah, yes it’s true!
Who knew -
BERNIE
- Christmas
SANTA
Christmas
REINDEER
Christmas
BOTH
- needed a you?
Big thanks to Mood.com our partner in high vibes. Use code TABLEREAD20 for 20% off at Mood.com. Legal THC & CBD. Nationwide. You’re welcome.
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript
Click on a timestamp to play from that location
| 0:00.0 | Wait, what's happening? |
| 0:04.0 | Christmas feels different. |
| 0:07.0 | Something feels new. |
| 0:09.0 | This snow is wider and so much brighter, and it's all because of you, |
| 0:15.0 | Noel. |
| 0:20.0 | Wait. Are you talking about me? |
| 0:23.6 | I've roasted all the chestnuts, killed all the Christmas geese, but it's been so monotonous delivery world peace. |
| 0:34.6 | Suddenly through your eyes a brand new view |
| 0:38.3 | Who knew Christmas needed a Jew? |
| 0:42.3 | Ish! We've preferred Jewish, but I think I get what's going on here. |
| 0:45.3 | Your next miracle is to be all Barbara and sing? |
| 0:49.3 | I've whistled all the carols that could ever have been sung. |
| 0:53.3 | Chinneys I've been sliding down have given me black lung. |
| 0:57.3 | Wait, what? I've been sliding down chimneys all friggin' night. |
| 1:01.0 | Look, I no longer have the soot glue. |
| 1:04.6 | Who knew Christmas needed a Jew? |
| 1:08.3 | Okay, if you think I'm gonna join you in some dorky little ditty, then you are absolutely correct. |
| 1:15.6 | I've spent every Christmas eating Chinese food alone. |
| 1:18.6 | The dark house on the block, that's what they used to call my home. |
| 1:23.6 | But with you, I think I finally got my shot. |
| 1:26.6 | Christmas needed a Jew who knew what Jew needed Christmas. But with you, I think I finally got my shot. |
| 1:31.3 | Christmas needed a Jew, who knew a Jew needed Christmas? |
... |
Please login to see the full transcript.
Disclaimer: The podcast and artwork embedded on this page are from Manifest Media / TABLE READ, and are the property of its owner and not affiliated with or endorsed by Tapesearch.
Generated transcripts are the property of Manifest Media / TABLE READ and are distributed freely under the Fair Use doctrine. Transcripts generated by Tapesearch are not guaranteed to be accurate.
Copyright © Tapesearch 2026.