What up guys today on women of impact I've got back one of my favorite freaking guests on the planet My girl the holistic psychologist Nicole LaPera and she is here today to break down our triggers guys Let's just be honest. We've all had probably more than one massive explosive reaction And we have maybe regretted it or maybe feeling embarrassed or ashamed about it and that can end up really freaking derailing our goals our dreams how we show up in the world and then how we feel about ourselves and so Nicole today shares how on earth we can identify our triggers how we can better emotionally react to our triggers and how guys we don't shame ourselves for being triggered but we do hold ourselves accountable to the fact that we get triggered and then how we navigate through them. And then lastly, this is the episode because she's such a close friend of mine, I didn't expect it guys but in going deep and talking about heartache and trauma and things that really impact us, I was able to be extremely vulnerable and I definitely caught myself by surprise by getting emotional by talking about matters of the heart. And so let's just dive in right now and have a very raw and vulnerable conversation with my girl, the holistic psychologist, Nicole LaPera. And guys if this episode did value, please, please do leave a review, share it with your homies, tell people about women of impact and let's make global change together. Now, onto the episode. But who wants to scream in the order of love ones? Who wants to live a life that is completely numb? Today, on Women of Impact, the amazing holistic psychologist, Nicole LaPera, reveals the truth that holds us back. You're tapping into something so strong right now. And how the power of your heart... I don't know how to get an emotional, but......can heal your trauma. I had a lot of shame around my body. How we feel in our skin, very much does translate to how we feel about our self. Dude, you just started to interrupt your holy smoke. That is like a massive aha moment. Get ready for a master class for your mind and your heart right now. Nicole Appara, welcome back to Women of Impact. Thank you so much for having me, Lisa. Oh my god, how are we? I freaking adore you. You've got your new book, How To Meet Yourself. And what I really want to start is so many of us react to certain things. We get triggered in situations where there is in relationships with our partners, where there's in-business or with our friends. And I don't know about you, but so many of us. The next day we regret the things we've said, we regret the things we've done. We don't show up as our true selves. And you really talk so eloquently about triggers, about where triggers come from, about how we can identify them, and how we can start working through them, so that they no longer become triggers. And so that's where I really wanna start. So if you don't mind breaking down the different types of triggers, and then we'll go from there. Absolutely. I mean, I think you're saying a whole mouthful when you're acknowledging how few of us are connected and are living from our authentic space. And I think those moments of reactivity are really prime evidence for how shameful. So many of us can feel when we're in those explosive situations. And ultimately I will make a case and I hope for the workbook is to really make a case for all of you on this journey that those moments really aren't who we are. Whether it's the habits that we're living daily or those moments where we can't navigate our emotions. Oftentimes they are coming from our past experiences, coming from environments where very few of us were taught how to safely regulate our feelings and what happens in our current adult moments is as if we go back in time in this time warp, which is a little bit of the reason why it feels a bit immature and we feel so shameful when we're living those explosive reactions. So I think to understand where we're coming from when we're not behaving in alignment with what our heart wants, I mean, as far as I'm concerned, we are all compassionate or have the ability to be compassionate, connected humans. So

understanding, you know, why we're exploding, I think gives us part of the elixir, if you will, the healing, though of course then it's how do I shift in those moments. So if I understand this isn't me, how do I create the space to reconnect with what I really want to do, say, or how I really want to be in those as well, when you said the word shame, 100% that hit me.

Right?

How many of us? to reconnect with what I really want to do, say, or how I really want to be in those moments.

Yeah, oh my God.

Like when you said the word shame,

100% that hit me.

Right, how many of us feel shameful

after we've had this?

And when you want to show up,

and I like to use the word bad-ass, right?

Bad-ass, confident, into a relationship

where you feel like you've got your own back

that you can actually be yourself or in work. The thing that does hold us back a lot I do think is our reaction to things is we can't control other people but the thing that we can post hopefully control is ourselves but when we don't know where it comes from, when we don't know why we're having these reactive moments it can feel very overwhelming and we can feel lost in not knowing how to handle it. And I actually got a quote of yours that I love.

Chauder trauma doesn't come back as a feeling, it comes back as a reaction.

When people look like they're overreacting to something, they're not.

Yes.

So take me back to then how we start to identify where this is coming from, what different

types of triggers there are and then how we can start to peel back the onion, understanding them, and then start to, I don't know, reverse probably isn't the right word, but maybe come to a place where we're no longer having those triggers dictate how we show up. Yeah, what's I think really important to understand in that quote as well is also not to minimize while our feelings do feel disproportionate for lack of a bigger word really big for whatever objectively might be happening. I think some of us might seek to like minimize or maybe we've been told we are so dramatic our emotions are so over the top and I think a really kind of point I want to hammer home before I kind of go into what do, how to navigate these moments differently is just to create some space to honor the feelings that we're having. Because while they might not be objectively mapping on to what's happening now, there is a similarity in circumstance, in context, in underlying feeling that we're having that's contributing to their bigness. And I say this because there's so many of us who have lived a lifetime of shaming ourselves for our emotions in particular, of having this idea that we need to suppress or squash them down and not allow them the space that they are. Because when we're talking about these emotional reactions, we actually are talking about things that are sensations that are stored in our body That for many of us have been accumulating from a lifetime of similarly overwhelming experiences and without support in our childhood without someone to help us feel safe as we're having bigger and bigger Emotions to make sense of them and then to figure out how to bring myself back into regulation or really simply calm, a responsive ground at place where I can say, okay, I'm feeling this emotion, I might take the information that it's giving me and I can still make a choice about what I do next. We don't have that modeling, we don't have that lived experience with another caregiver who can join us on that journey of making sense of our emotions We are going to rely on a much more reactive way because that for many of us is the only way we can find safety Whether it's the explorers out there who scream and yell right when we're outwardly upset at something or when we're inwardly I should say upset where something it comes outward in our expression and then of course, we have the many of us who maybe we're not screaming and yelling, maybe we're avoiding, we're distracting ourselves, we're numbing the way that we feel, or we're avoiding uncomfortable conversations or experiences altogether. Again, as our main way of keeping ourselves safe, and then, of course, we have the whole bunch of us, myself, was very much part of this group, who, because stress was so consistently present and I was so under-supported for so long screaming and yelling only worked a bit, removing myself only worked a bit and then the last step on that ultimate train is becoming completely disconnected, living as I say on a spaceship where I feel numb, I feel aloof, and I don't really feel connected to the space around me. So those are just simple examples of what is really based in an overwhelming response. The only way I can create safety is by becoming reactive in that way, and that's what we'll see our then self-doing, somewhere in time, into adulthood, of course, feeling very shameful because who wants to scream in the out-of-the-art loved ones, who wants avoid things that are uncomfortable, who wants to live a life that is completely numb. But again, at one time, that was the only way that we were able to keep ourselves safe when we didn't have someone helping us navigate our emotions calmly, which then becomes the task in adulthood. How do I create that space to see my emotions for what they are and to still be able to choose what I do next and remain connected to those around me and myself when I'm choosing what I'm doing next. Yeah, oh my god, that was so amazing. To see our emotions for what they are. That was so powerful because so many of us judge our emotions. I shouldn't be feeling on this way. So especially when it comes to triggers because the other person is always looking at you like what the fuck is going on right because if you don't understand another person's wounds or triggers or child to trauma their reaction may seem like you've like like hang on a minute you're crazy is like oh my god I can't handle this and it seems like it's overreaction but really does stem from something deep deep. And so being able to view it, how on earth do you start doing that? Because I think so much of us judge ourselves based on other people judging us. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, judgment, I think for many of us going back even to shame, as we talked a bit about earlier, I mean, so many of us are so internalized with this process of feeling shameful and it does come from this imagined idea of what we think and maybe what we hear other people you know are assessing us to be or not be in those moments and you know to speak to your point I think the more understanding that we have of what's happening inside us that oftentimes and allows us to gift that same understanding to partners who are having explosive responses right that we can't understand a big shift happens when you see someone they might be behaving unsavorably in some way and of course this isn't to condone abuse we always need to have boundaries that are up but I'm going to have a much different experience if I see you having what I might deem as an overreaction if I view it or if I'm only reacting to maybe you're screaming and you're yelling or maybe you're ignoring me. If I am only seeing the surface, likely I'm going to be hurt. You might say something mean. You might not participate in a conversation that I'm feeling is important so I might feel silenced in that moment. That's going to be really different than if I'm able to stand in the compassionate space

of understanding, oh, I might not like that you're screaming

and I might not like what you're saying.

I might really wanna have this conversation with you

...