Today, we are going to be talking about having a parent move in with you and your family. First, we’ll talk about how your relationship with your parent may change. Then, we’ll talk about what steps you need to take to make the transition from your parent living alone to moving in with you. Finally, we’ll end the episode on ways you can make the transition easier. Now let’s move on to the rest of the show.

 

We’re going to start out today’s episode with one couple’s story of living with an elderly parent. If you would like to read the story for yourself, you can find the link to A Place for Mom in our show notes.

 

Lynette and Marty Whiteman were getting used to losing sleep. After Lynette’s aging mother Mildred moved into their New Jersey home from her retirement community, she regularly woke the couple, asking for help at odd hours. To Mildred, the requests were urgent, but Marty didn’t see changing light bulbs or resetting microwave clocks as tasks to crawl out of bed for.

 

Mildred’s increasing care needs — and midnight knocks on the couple’s door — were taking a toll on the Whitemans’ marriage. Tension over caregiving roles steadily increased, while privacy decreased. Communication broke down, and stress piled up.

 

The Whitemans, like many adults who choose to care for aging parents, thought having Mildred in the home would not only keep her safe but lend convenience as well. They thought it would be easier than having to travel back and forth between their home and hers. As it turned out, that wasn’t the case.

 

“It was a great idea in concept,” says Lynette. “But we didn’t know what we were getting into.”

 

Caring for Mildred at home wasn’t urgent, but it seemed like a good idea to Lynette. Her mom would receive regular social interaction, and they could form a closer relationship together.

 

Before moving in with her daughter, Mildred had grown depressed and isolated. Her late husband — Lynette’s father — had been outgoing, and he kept the couple engaged in community life and social events. Without him around, Lynette was worried: What if Mildred became too lonely? What if she fell while she was alone?

 

“We figured she’d have somebody if something happened in the middle of the night, and we could help her with her bills,” says Lynette.

 

So, they built a small, attached apartment with a private kitchen and bathroom using some of Mildred’s savings. But the adjustment was more difficult than expected.

 

At first, Marty and Lynette had trouble accepting the constant late-night interruptions and repetitive dinners at home. It seemed like they’d put their lives — and their marriage — on hold to care for Mildred. However, the couple’s situation improved after they agreed to work as a team, make adjustments, and follow a few pieces of caregiver advice:

 

1. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
2. Make time for everyone, including yourself.
3. Accept that some things don’t change.
4. Set boundaries.
5. Acknowledge that you’re doing your best in a tough situation.

 

The Whiteman’s story is something more and more families are becoming familiar with as the aging population rises. This can be an extremely rewarding experience for you and your family, but it can also be extremely difficult. There are many things you need to consider when thinking about having a loved one come live with you.

 

First, you should be prepared for how your relationship with your loved one will change once they are living with you, especially if you are providing any level of care for them. Cohabitating with a parent for the first time since childhood can be strange for both you and your parent.

 

Next Avenue says you should avoid parent-child patterns from youth. Just because you’re back living under the same roof as your parents, you don't have to share the details of your life the way you may have as a child. Laurel Steinberg, a relationship therapist and psychology professor at Columbia University, cautions adult children to not seek approval for their actions and decisions. You now pay for the roof over your head and are responsible for the day-to-day routines.

 

She says it’s OK to ask a parent for help or for an opinion, but you shouldn’t fall into a pattern where a parent dictates how the household should operate or expect to be privy to every decision and detail related to the household. “Parents should only offer advice when adult children ask for it,” she says.

 

Next Avenue also recommends that you don’t ask for permission. Remember that even though you’re a grown-up who may have grown kids of your own, to your parent, you’ll always be their little boy or girl. That nostalgia can fuel parental expectations that your relationship will revert to what it was decades earlier. Steinberg says that “adult children often fall into the habit of asking for permission when parents live with them.” Gently assert your adult independence by setting boundaries on move-in day. You can politely tell your parent that you will not be reporting in every time you leave the house or take a phone call. The goal is to establish that you’re a self-sufficient adult who loves their parent, but has their own, independent life now.”

 

Prior to your loved one moving in, you need to sit down and have a conversation with them and your family to go over the house rules and any moving logistics, like what your loved one can keep with them and what areas of the house will be reserved for them. You want to make sure everyone living in your house has access to a space just for them, where they can go to be alone and have privacy.

 

If you have a guest house, an adjoining apartment, or a room with a separate entrance, this would be the perfect place for your parent to move in to, as long as their needs allow them to be in a secluded area by themselves. If you don’t have this extra space, you should consider what options you do have. Do you have a guest room or spare room they could use? Would your kids need to share a room? Do you or your parent have funds to build a place for them?

 

Having an entire living area to themselves, with a bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, and living area, can help your parent maintain their independence when living with their child, and can help the rest of the family keep more of their normal daily routines the same.

 

Even with a separate living area, routines will have to change, and communication will be key. Having a weekly schedule can be helpful for busy families. You don’t need to tell your parent when you are going to be gone, but writing on a schedule that you will be out on Tuesday and Thursday can be a good way to let your parent, and everyone else, know you will be unavailable. If your parent is unable to drive or doesn’t have a car of their own, a schedule can also be useful to know when they will need your assistance to get somewhere, like an appointment or a social gathering.

 

Alert 1 says that while it may seem overwhelming at first, both you and your loved one will come to love living under the same roof again.

 

Your parent will be there to help with things around the house so you don’t have to worry when you get home from work. They can help get the kids ready for school in the morning and for bed at night. Your pets will enjoy having someone around more often, and your dog can get your loved one outside and exercising.

 

Even if you don’t need the extra babysitting, your parent can still watch the house while you get away for the weekend. They’ll be there to listen and give advice when you’re feeling lost. Instead of having to hang up the phone, you can end the conversation with a hug.

 

Living with your parent, you’ll be able to support and care for each other while they enjoy their golden years. After all, what else is family for?

 

Now that we’ve told you some of the ways your relationship with your parent can change when they move in, let’s move on to what steps you should take during this transition.

 

Before your parent moves in with you, AARP has a list of questions you should ask yourself:

 

• How will the move involve my spouse, children, and siblings?
• How will my parent’s presence affect our family routine, activities, and privacy?
• Are there any unresolved issues between me and my parent or my spouse and my parent?
• Does this mean remodeling our house or adding a bedroom or bathroom?
• Do I expect other family members to pitch in?
• Can we afford the extra expense?
• Should part of my parent’s income go toward living expenses?
• Will I need to quit work or alter my schedule?
• Will we take my parent with us on vacation or get respite care?
• Are there issues such as smoking, drinking, or pets that we need to work out?
• Does my parent have any tendencies that bother or upset me? Can they be resolved?
• How will I establish boundaries?
• How does my parent feel about moving?
• How do I feel about accepting this role?

 

Once you have gone over these questions yourself, you should sit down with your parent and siblings to discuss things prior to the move. According to AARP, you should talk openly about expectations, fears, finances, and any lingering issues. It may make you uneasy, but this is the prime time to work it out or readjust your thinking. Sometimes it’s as easy as telling each other what bothers you. The other person may have no idea — and no trouble making a change.

 

Next Avenue also suggests that you seek outside counseling to help with the transition. “Having a parent age to the point where you are now essentially the ‘parent’ can be very powerful and difficult to navigate and trigger a range of emotions,” says Sara Sedlik, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles.

 

You may experience unexpected anger, sadness, dread, or guilt in this situation, which can be overwhelming.

 

Sedlik also says that “there may also be relief or joy to have your parent close to you. Typically, there is a mix of emotions, which adds to the confusion.”

 

Without properly addressing these feelings or at least being aware of them, you may experience excess stress that can show up in other areas of your life, including personal or professional relationships, work performance, or even physical health.

 

Your family may also benefit from a session or two of group therapy. During this time, anyone can bring any grievances or issues they foresee to the rest of the family and have a moderator there to ensure everyone is given a fair amount of time to speak and be heard. If group therapy isn’t for you and your family, you can also hold a family meeting on your own and have everyone come prepared with written questions and concerns to discuss. Make sure to include your parent, too. If needed, you can have a few sessions, one with your children, one with your siblings, one with your parent, and one with everyone all together. Breaking into smaller groups can also be beneficial if anyone has any issues they want to bring to your attention without talking to the entire family at once, as that can be intimidating.

 

After you have met with your family and talked about your loved one moving in with you, you will need to take a look at your current living arrangements and see what all will need to change before your parent moves in.

 

Alert 1 recommends answering the following questions to see what sort of improvements will need to be made to your home.

• Do grab bars need to be installed in the bathroom?
• Does furniture need to be re-arranged to make more space for walking?
• Do all of the lights work?
• Do you have nightlights in bathrooms and along hallways?
• Does your yard have hazards like uneven pavement or overgrown vines?

 

Before your loved one moves in, you also need to go over their care needs and discuss your boundaries. A Place for Mom says that maybe you’re comfortable cooking and doing laundry but are not as comfortable bathing your parent or helping them use the bathroom. If you are not able to provide such care, you should look into professional home care options or assisted living. If your parent doesn’t need care when they move in, you should also discuss what you would do if and when they may need care in the future. Would that role fall to you or would you hire outside help?

 

Once you have established what level of care your loved one needs and who will be doing what, it’s time to work on organizing your house and possibly donating items you won’t have space for.

 

Your loved one should have their own bedroom and, if possible, their own living room or living area to arrange as they please. It can be stressful to merge belongings together without a plan, so try to create a clear map and write down where everything will go. Make sure your parent knows beforehand how much space they will have for their belongings.

 

It’s important to remember that your loved one is downsizing to move in with you, so why not do the same for them? Use this time to go through and donate things you don’t use or need. This will help free up space for your loved one’s belongings and they will feel better knowing they are not alone in having to let go of things.

 

Once you have the space for your loved one and you have talked about care options, it’s time for them to move in! Make sure to keep a positive outlook during this time. It will help ease the transition on your parent, and after all, it should be a positive time! You get to spend more time with your parent and develop an entirely new relationship with them.

 

Once your parent has settled into their new living space, you can all begin to get comfortable in the new normal. Alert 1 tells us that having someone move in causes a disruption in everyday activity.  If Grandma is active and mobile, add her to the household chore list. She can help out with preparing meals, doing dishes, gardening, and walking the dog. Don’t expect her to do any heavy lifting, though. You’ll still need to take out the trash and clean out the gutters.

 

Once your loved one is accustomed to living with you, you can go over your list of household chores and find the best way to divide them up together. You can also revisit this list and make changes as needed. While your loved one is living with you, you should both be able to come to one another and talk about what is or isn’t working at any time and make any necessary changes.

 

While we hope your experience living with your loved one once again goes smoothly, we also want to prepare you for the possibility that it won’t work out. According to Aging Care, caregiver guilt can be a significant obstacle for many, regardless of the specifics of your living situation. You feel an obligation to make this work, but when an elder exhibits troublesome dementia-related behaviors, creates unsafe or unsanitary conditions, sets a poor example for your children, interferes with your marriage, or refuses to contribute to the household or see to their own care, it puts a huge strain on your life.

 

If you’re feeling trapped caring for elderly parents in a situation that you cannot escape, it’s time to let go of the guilt and make other arrangements. It is time to acknowledge that you did your best and explore other elder care options. These might consist of an adult daycare or professional in-home care for respite or moving your loved one into assisted living, memory care, or a nursing home.

 

In order to avoid caregiver guilt, an unhappy relationship, a tense household, and an overall bad experience, it’s important to make sure you follow the steps we have talked about today. And always remember to take care of yourself and reach out when you need help.

 

So far, we’ve talked about how your relationships can change when a parent moves in and what transition steps you should take. Before we close for today, let’s talk a little about how you can make the transition easier for your loved one.

 

According to AARP, your parent may struggle getting acclimated to a new living arrangement and neighborhood. You can be of assistance by helping to locate the local pharmacy, bank, faith community, recreation center, and other services they may use. If your parent is interested in independent daytime activities, you can visit a nearby senior center for information on classes and programs. If your parent requires more intensive care, assess adult daycare centers that provide rehab, meals, counseling, and therapeutic activities. If you are providing full-time care in your home, look into respite or companion services to give you a break and help your parent expand his or her social circle.

 

If your loved one is moving from a different area, they may need your help keeping in contact with their friends. If your parent isn’t technologically savvy, you can help them set up a video call a few times a month to catch up with their friends. If you help them with their technical difficulties, you should also be prepared to help their friends if they need it.

 

If your loved one is interested in learning more about using technology, you can help them find a technology class at a senior center or library that’s geared towards seniors. If you’re interested in learning about how you can use technology as a caregiver, you can also check out our episode, Technology Tips for Caregivers. You can find it on our website, our YouTube channel, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

 

We hope this episode helps you prepare for living with your loved one again. Following the steps and tips we’ve listed today should help you navigate this time, but don’t hesitate to reach out to your support group whenever you need. There will be hard times, just as there are when you are living with anyone else. Be patient, be kind, and have fun. Enjoy getting to spend this extra time with your loved one.

 

We want to say thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate these long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to. If you know someone who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them.

 

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Sources:

http://www.ec-online.net/Knowledge/Articles/movingin.html

 

https://www.alert-1.com/blog/general/when-grandma-moves-in-making-your-house-grandmas-home/5824

 

https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/living-with-your-aging-parent-doesnt-work

 

https://www.nextavenue.org/cope-aging-parent-moves-in/

 

https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/home-care/info-2018/living-with-aging-parents.html