What Men Risk When They Stay Quiet ft. Kier Gaines

LOVERS by Shan

Lemonada Media

Relationships, Society & Culture, Sexuality, Health & Fitness

5.0 • 5.7K Ratings

🗓️ 4 February 2026

⏱️ 52 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

In this episode of Lovers, therapist Kier Gaines shares a personal and professional reflection on how resentment builds when men are taught to silence their emotional truth. Kier opens up about a pivotal moment in his own relationship, when he realized that his partner’s tone was hurting his feelings, and that his fear of naming it, out of concern that he would sound “effeminate” or not man enough, was quietly turning into resentment. What started as self-protection slowly became emotional distance, until he reached a breaking point where honesty felt less risky than staying silent. Together, we unpack how masculinity norms shape emotional expression, why unspoken hurt often masquerades as resentment, and how learning to articulate emotional impact can transform intimacy rather than threaten it. This conversation explores the cost of swallowing feelings, the courage it takes to speak before resentment hardens, and what becomes possible when men allow themselves to be emotionally legible in their relationships. This episode isn’t about blame or tone-policing. It’s about emotional responsibility, relational repair, and the freedom that comes from finally saying the thing you were afraid would make you sound weak. If you wished this episode is longer and you could hear more about Kier Gaines Is My Relationship Healthy Quizhttps://www.loversbyshan.com/resource/the-relationship-check-in Follow Kier GainesInstagram → https://www.instagram.com/kiergaines TikTok → https://www.tiktok.com/@kiergaines Twitter/X → https://twitter.com/kiergaines YouTube → https://www.youtube.com/@KierandNoemie Official Website → https://www.kiergaines.com Course Words That Connect → https://kier-gaines.mykajabi.com/wordsthatconnect Want more Lover?Receive the weekly Love Letter → http://loversbyshan.com/newsletterJoin the Lovers Community → https://www.loversbyshan.com/communityExplore quizzes and worksheets → http://loversbyshan.com/quizzes See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	Lemonada
0:02.0	Love is knowing that you have the ability to completely destroy me and trusting that you won't.
0:11.0	I had to tell this woman something that made me feel like a little bitch.
0:15.0	I had to tell her she was hurting my feelings with the way that she was talking to me.
0:19.0	It did not make me feel good. It did not make me feel good. It did not make
0:22.1	me feel strong. It's not something I've ever communicated to anybody before. The things that were
0:28.7	happening that were hurting your feelings, what were they? So even hearing you say that I'm cringing like,
0:32.7	Ah, yes. Say it a little tougher. Don't put it in a martini glass.
0:39.0	Essentially, this creator put up a post that said that men who complain about their
0:44.0	partner's tone are bitches.
0:46.5	One of the mantras of being a man is then do hardships like a good soldier.
0:50.3	I can't pretend like that doesn't work until it doesn't.
0:53.7	I'm getting something from you that I don't feel like I deserve.
0:57.0	I'm getting the expectation of wrongness right out of the gate.
1:01.0	That's so complicated. How do you survive that?
1:04.0	When you're also in each other's proximity all the time.
1:07.0	If you were to create a toolkit for Kierre back then,
1:10.0	what would you put in his toolkit?
1:12.2	Damn, that's a good question. I never thought about that before.
1:15.0	Well, you got a course. Let's put that in the toolkit, I'm sure.
1:18.3	Still can't believe that I must have up the courage to tell her she was hurting my fields.
1:26.9	What's up? Sam, what's up, Mama? How you doing? Therapist, Kierre. That's Mufasa. Therapist, Stop that. You know what's the funny thing about that is I was saying to Jared, like, I'm really excited. Like my fave is coming. Kierre is coming. I'm so excited. And he was like, why do you keep saying the name like that?
	...

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