This is NPR's Life Kit.

I'm Andy Tagle, one of the producers at this show,

and I...

...w...w...w...w...want to be liked.

I mean, don't we all?

Haven't we all put on a fake smile now and then to make a good impression?

Or agonized if we've made the right move?

Or, I don't know, held the door open for a ridiculous

number of people so as not to be considered even a little bit rude.

Okay, that last one might just be a me thing.

But as Alicia Menendez will tell you, my likeability isn't really up to me.

Who we like is a deeply subjective thing, and there is this sense of, you know, when you know.

What is tricky about that is that all of that is shaped by a lot of who we are, are markers of identity,

and the people that we're interacting with, and how many of those markers line up.

Menendez is a journalist, podcast creator and host, and author of the likability trap.

She says likability is a moving target, an invisible scorecard that we internalize, but that

those around us actually fill out. On a purely personal level, that need to be like can be tricky.

Did I do the right thing?

Did that joke land?

Should I even care?

How can I not care?

But when it comes to your career, the stakes get even higher.

...