What Kids Actually Do to Your Marriage | Ft. Charles and Abby Metcalf
Lights On with Carl Lentz
B-Side
4.8 • 797 Ratings
🗓️ 1 June 2026
⏱️ 62 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
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For the first time on Lights On, Carl and Laura invited guests to the table: Charles and Abby Metcalf, dear friends, pastors, and parents of four little ones in the thick of the season most couples privately worry they won't survive. Together, the four of them get into the question hundreds of you have asked in different ways: what do kids actually do to a marriage, and how do you stay best friends through it?
In this episode of Lights On, Carl, Laura, Charles, and Abby get honest about the parts of marriage that kids quietly expose. The impatience you didn't know was in you. The differences in parenting style that suddenly feel personal. The way two exhausted people can drift from lovers into co-managers without anyone noticing. The way "teammate energy" sneaks in and steals what brought you together in the first place.
You'll hear Charles tell the story of his Mother's Day attempt to do everything alone (and the wrath of God that followed), why Abby believes a confident, joyful mom is the most valuable thing a household can have, and why both couples agree the best parents are always the best friends. Laura speaks directly to the moms carrying invisible weight, the ones who never get asked what they actually need. Carl speaks to the dads who clock out at work and clock out again at home, and the small mental shift that flips everything.
Stay for the homework prompts you can take to dinner this week, the "what's in the way of becoming co-managers" frame that will change how you protect your marriage, and the line that lands no matter what season you're in: you are doing so much better than you think you are.
This is part one with the Metcalfs. They're coming back. Bring a notebook.
Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
Follow Charles at: https://www.instagram.com/charlesmetcalf/
Follow Abby at: https://www.instagram.com/abbyrosemetcalf/
Chapters:
0:00 - Intro:
0:56 - Welcome & Meet the Guests: Charles & Abby Metcalf
3:29 - Learning Each Other Before Having Kids
5:13 - A Stranger's Kind Words at a Diner (Story)
6:52 - What Shocked Us Most About Having Kids (Impatience & Overstimulation)
10:39 - How Parenting Exposes Fragile Parts of Your Marriage
11:18 - GOD BEHIND BARS
11:50 - What Stretches Your Marriage the Most: Exhaustion & the "Same Team" Mindset
13:27 - Navigating Different Parenting Styles Without Undermining Each Other
15:28 - Have Ground Rules for Disagreeing in Front of the Kids
16:01 - When Marriage Becomes Survival Mode: How to Move Toward Thriving
17:18 - Homework: Ask What Drains & Restores Your Partner
18:06 - The Drift: How Couples Quietly Become Teammates Instead of Lovers
19:13 - How the Metcalfs Protect Their Friendship (Thursday Date Night)
22:14 - Flip the Script: Let Marriage Get in the Way of the Kids
23:11 - Better Help
24:10 - Staying Curious About Each Other as You Both Change
25:31 - Practical Tip: Create One Recurring Friendship Interruption This Month
27:01 - What Kids Learn by Watching Mom and Dad Prioritize Each Other
28:31 - Hold Yourself to the Same Standard You'd Hold a Son-in-Law To
29:12 - When Both Partners Feel Unseen: Invisible Weight
32:05 - Silent Anger Becomes Resentment — Naming It Before It's Toxic
33:44 - The Unseen Weight of Being a Mom
36:08 - Wonder Project
37:12 - Charles doing Mother's Day Solo With All Four Kids (Story)
38:27 - No iPads, Homeschooling & the Extra Layer of Demand on Mom
39:27 - The Resentment Trap When Both Parents Come Home Exhausted
41:28 - Building a Daily Structure That Gives Everyone Space to Breathe
43:38 - Intentional Architecture: Design Your Life Before the Fires Start
44:56 - Appreciating What Mom Holds — The "Walk Into the Ocean" Story
46:18 - The Most Common Root of Marriage Tension: Not Feeling Seen
47:00 - Policy Genius
48:10 - Laura's Story: Not Knowing Who She Was Outside of Her Family
49:52 - Women Finding Their Voice & Overcoming Mom Guilt
51:42 - Stop Getting Parenting Advice From Social Media
53:07 - The Value of Friendships That Actually Know You (Tornado Story)
55:52 - When Mom Is Flourishing, Everyone Is Better
57:54 - Homework: Ask What Makes Your Spouse Feel Most Unseen
59:38 - Speak Well of Your Spouse Behind Their Back
1:00:13 - The LeBron Effect: Moms Are So Good We Take Them for Granted
1:01:16 - Closing: Come Back Next Week for Part 2
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Welcome back to Lights on. We love you. We're glad you here. Laura Lynch is here. I'm the co-host, Carl Lentz. |
| 0:06.0 | Facts. |
| 0:06.9 | And we're glad you showed up. We have a very special guest with us today. Charles and Abby Metcalfe, dear friends of ours, pastors at a phenomenal church that we love dearly, and they're the best. |
| 0:18.4 | And today we're going to talk about what, if I were to amalgamate, maybe hundreds of questions that we get, it's about parenting and it's about marriage. |
| 0:27.2 | So if you have ever wondered what the impact of having kids might be on a marriage, in your marriage, or has had on your marriage, this episode is for you. |
| 0:37.3 | So share it, like it like it subscribe do all the things |
| 0:41.9 | and we're going to get down to business charles nabby love you love you glad you're here share what's |
| 0:48.1 | on your heart whatever whatever it is you know in my quiet time i've really been there it is yes yes that's know, in my quiet time, I've really been. There it is. |
| 0:54.6 | Yes. |
| 0:56.0 | Yes. |
| 0:57.1 | That's the segue. |
| 0:58.3 | How are you guys feeling? |
| 0:59.5 | How's life currently? |
| 1:06.3 | Anything you need to let all of our amazing lights on community know about you that you want them to know? |
| 1:07.7 | Like, my spirit is well. |
| 1:08.6 | I feel good. |
| 1:28.3 | No, life is well. One of our babies is getting her first haircut today, which is exciting. Big news. Jade is getting a bob. Yes. It's going to be fashiony stuff. That's the big news right now, man. I wanted you guys to come on, because we've talked about this for a while, and I'll say this from the outset, it's not easy to do ministry, family, sanity at all. It's the third one, yeah. Period. But to watch you guys, |
| 1:37.6 | you know, live your life. We live right down the road. We're at the place now where our kids no |
| 1:41.2 | longer invite each other, you know, to each other's house. They just show up. And we'll have to put a photo up of your kids because they're |
| 1:48.2 | freakishly awesome. You guys just do it really well. And you're, how old are you, Charles, 30? |
| 1:53.2 | 32. 32. 32? 32. 30 years old. Four kids in three years. Three and a half. |
| 2:00.9 | Three and a half. |
... |
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