Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute,

where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about making a better bid for connection.

If you're wondering what a bid is, it's the fundamental unit of emotional connection. They're the gestures

between a couple that signal a need for attention. Bids can be verbal or nonverbal, and include

asking for anything, from physical affection to help with a project. Sometimes attempts to connect

are obvious, like when you say to your partner, do you have a second?

I need to run something by you.

But not all bids are created equal.

And a lot of times the receiver will miss them by no faults of their own.

If a bid is difficult to figure out, you might not get the response you want because your partner doesn't understand what you're asking for.

And that's called fuzzy bidding. So how can you get rid of the fuzziness and make a better bid for

connection? Start by using your words. We're not trying to frown upon nonverbal bids because they're

still important and deserve recognition. But some people have difficulty reading gestures like a smile or flirty glance.

The meaning behind silence can be hard to interpret, especially right now around the holidays when

life might be a little more chaotic. If a heavy sigh while washing the dishes doesn't prompt your

partner to help out, ask them if they have time to help you dry, or get ahead of the situation.

Suggest an arrangement where whoever cooks gets the night off from loading the dishwasher.

The point is, try to verbalize your bids in a way that your partner understands. Also, when you're

making a verbal bid, be clear about exactly what you need in that moment. Let's say you've had a hard day and you need

your partner to listen. Try saying something like, today was a rough one. Can I tell you about it?

If you don't want to talk about it, but just need some cuddle time on the couch, say exactly that.

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