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The Bert Show

Vault: The Top Five Turn Offs

The Bert Show

The Bert Show

News, Comedy, Entertainment News, Society & Culture

4.14.4K Ratings

🗓️ 2 December 2025

⏱️ 10 minutes

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Summary

Vault: The Top Five Turn Offs

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Transcript

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0:00.0

The Birch Show.

0:01.0

You know, here, since we, you know, phone lines are down, we thought we would talk a little bit, give some people advice on what you can do to be sexy this weekend. You know, here's some top things you can do and not... Does this go both ways with guys and women? Because with women, very easy to be sexy. I think this is more geared toward women. Okay, take some clothes off. Boom, sexy. Done, let's move on.

0:23.6

Well, here are things, well, okay, let's flip it a little bit.

0:35.1

Then let's talk about things not to do. Okay. These are things not to do if you want to be sexy. So, okay, if you want to be sexy, then there's Burt. Number one, the only thing you have to do is take off your clothes. Is that what you're saying? I'm not saying all of them.

0:36.6

Just a little bit. Just tease me a little bit.

0:37.7

A little bit.

0:38.3

Show me a little mid-drift action, bring the, you know,? I'm not saying all of them. Just a little bit. Just tease me a little

0:37.6

little bit. Show me a little mid-drift action. Bring the, you know, the ding-dee up a little bit. Right. And don't, don't down a little bit. Right. And yeah, that's sexy to a guy. Well, I'm game over. Now, I'm assuming, though, that for when, if you had something that you could tell women not to do, I'm sure the list would be a little longer.

0:51.9

Sure.

0:52.1

Just that.

0:52.6

Yeah.

0:52.9

Wear a lot of clothes.

0:56.0

And that's it.

0:56.7

Okay, game over.

0:57.4

All right. Next. For women, to be sexy, when you shave your legs, don't miss any spots. Because I'm the biggest culprit of it all. When I shave my legs, I always miss, like, my ankles or, like, this spot right behind behind my knee and it's skanky when a guy

1:11.7

finally gets to that point. Okay, let's run with that because I, yeah, I've seen that before where women has completely shaved her legs but then right at the thigh she just stops doing that. Yeah. That's not right. No. You got to put it into the leather thing. Now that's the winter shave, you know, for women. That's just where, you know, if you're wearing pants and only, like, up to your half-calf is going to show in the wintertime, that's, you know, if that's all you got to shave, that's all you're going to shake. But here, okay, here's the top things not to do for a woman if you want to be sexy. Okay, number five, we've got five of them. All right. Number five, flip your hair excessively. Don't flip your hair. I got to be honest with you.

1:47.7

You like that? I do like that because somebody told me a long time ago, if you're in a bar, right, and you are talking to a woman and she starts playing with her hair or she starts flipping her hair, that that's a subconscious sign that she's attracted to you. So you can do that as

2:02.2

much as you want to me. I mean, make it look like you have a seizure.

2:08.2

Give me a son. Oh, my God, what's wrong with that girl's neck?

2:12.4

Well, here's another thing, scratch your body. Like, don't scratch so much. You know, I guess

2:17.4

that's a turn. I guess that's a rainy body, though. Scratch it like a dog with fleas. I don't think that's sexy. What are those body mites? Not crabs, but what are those body mites that, we always talk about them. What do they call Jeff? What is it that you get all the time? Yeah, Jeff.

2:50.7

The body mites that we talk about all the time. We've talked about them before. Like scabies or something like that, but they're called something like that. I don't know. Anyway. I don't speak, Lindsay. I don't know. Yeah, I'm out. Yeah, Jeff, you know, when you start picking it yourself, let us know what you're picking things. Lime disease, tics.

...

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