Hi, I'm Chuka Amuna.

And you may remember me from the last time I set up a party in order to become leader of it and failed.

So I took the only moderate course of action available to me.

I reached out across the aisle to a random white man in the question time audience

and invited him to nuke our great country live on air.

In the ashes of this brave man's act of love for his country,

and while everyone was too busy eating those very ashes for sustenance to notice,

I finally became Prime Minister.

Change has come to the UK, and the change is that everyone will have radiation poisoning for generations to come.

Finally, we can have a return to the 1990s that everyone has been calling for, a strong commitment to

NATO alliance, sustainably reducing Britain's benefit bill, and more Robbie Williams' covers

of David Bowie songs.

They say I don't have any concrete policy proposals, but they are wrong.

I am in fact the first and only parliamentarian to propose using concrete

to build the wall that will defend my fellow centrist and I

from the hordes of sea list wannabes who simply don't understand that in order to save

British democracy, I had to newk it.

It is my vision to bring the UK back to its heyday to when we were our best, the 2012 Olympics opening ceremony.

So as of today, my first act as your Prime Minister,

I am announcing that there will be an Olympics opening ceremony every day.

Every day we will come together and reenact different scenes of Harry Potter, followed by Rowan Atkinson doing a bit. And then a new community

will have the exciting opportunity to be violently displaced from their homes.

...