Hi, this is NPR's Life Kit and I'm Mallory U.

I'm here to talk about consent and sex.

It's an important subject, whether you're just starting to have sex or whether you've been sexually active for years.

Most of us have heard the phrases, no means no.

Or more recently, yes means yes.

Or you might remember this viral video, released by the Thames Valley Police in 2015,

which compares consent to tea.

If you can understand how completely ludicrous it is to force people to have tea when they don't want tea,

and you are able to understand when people don't want tea, then how hard is it to understand when it comes to sex?

Whether it's tea or sex, consent is everything.

They're short and catchy, easy to remember, but every person is different.

Every person's sexual history is different.

And these three word phrases or analogies can't really capture the complexity of what it means to consent to sexual activity or touch.

There is no magic list of questions. There is no script that's going to work for every single person.

That's Heather Gardner. She works with the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, or NCSF, and gives consent workshops.

A lot of people talk about consent like it's a transaction, like you get consent and you're all good.

But it's not that simple. Gardner likes to reference a comic by an artist who goes by robot hugs.

It's called building consent castles.

The concept is that you go slowly and build the things that are okay with you and your partner.

And over time, those things become solidified, so to speak. Those things become a part of the makeup of your dynamic or your relationship.

So building a castle is a great comparison because castles are often, you know, back in Royal Times, we're always being added to and built on to.

And it's the same thing with your relationship and discussing not just intimate things, but everything about your relationship and how it will work and how it will be.

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