Welcome back to the look and sound of leadership.

An ongoing series of executive coaching tips designed to help you be perceived in the workplace the way you want to be perceived.

I'm Tom Henshel, your executive coach, and today we're talking about tough conversations.

Martin's coaching was triggered when a peer-name Maribel filed a complaint against him.

As a result of our very first coaching conversation, Martin had gone back to Maribel and asked her for more feedback.

One message Martin heard loudly from her was, you make me feel stupid.

Martin told me he had heard that before. He said, I make other people feel stupid. Is that something you and I could work on? I said we could.

I asked him, what do you mean when you say you make other people feel stupid? That's such an interesting thing to know about yourself.

Martin gave an aw-shocks role of his head. I'm smart, Tom. I've always been smart.

Smarter than anyone in my family. Smarter than most of my teachers. I don't know how I got this way, but it's real.

And sometimes I use my smarts like a weapon. People feel stupid because I make them feel stupid. I'm not proud of it, but it's true.

So, Martin, if I were Maribel, what would I have heard? I asked.

Oh, I was really angry about that. I still think she's 100% wrong.

She chose not to record particular data. She didn't forget. She just prioritized something else. She said she would have gotten to it later, but this data is crucial to the lab running according to regulations.

This is not an option she can choose, and I told her, full out.

Raised voice, I asked. Probably, yeah. Physically threatening? Oh, no, I don't think so. I'm not a big guy anyway. I might have stopped my foot once or twice.

Martin, how would you use your smarts like a weapon against me, I asked?

He took in a breath, then without any heat in the words, quoting himself, he said, what's wrong with you? You know better than that. A summer intern wouldn't make that mistake, things like that.

Okay, I said. So, if you were going to prescribe a way for you to stop making people feel stupid, but you still want to deliver an important message, what would you do differently?

He thought, and then slowly he said, I'd have to get better control of myself. When I'm angry, I don't hide it well.

How would you get better control of yourself, I asked? In this instance, with Maribel, I'd probably need overnight to calm down and not be stomping my feet. He gave a little laugh. I was literally hopping mad in the morning I wouldn't have been.

I gave a big nod. Okay, great. So, what you're suggesting, a time out is actually the first of four steps in this whole process we're going to talk about.

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