To Make Room for My Brother I Learned to Disappear

Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

Esther Perel Global Media

Society & Culture, Education, Health & Fitness, Mental Health, Self-improvement

4.7 • 16.4K Ratings

🗓️ 18 May 2026

⏱️ 60 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

With her wedding just weeks away, a young woman calls Esther with a question she’s been carrying for most of her life: how do you allow yourself joy when you’ve learned to make yourself small? Growing up alongside a non-speaking autistic brother taught her to be vigilant, self-effacing, and attuned to everyone else’s needs. Joy and celebration have always come with guilt. As the wedding approaches, those old patterns threaten to keep her on emotional eggshells during one of the most meaningful days of her life. Together, they explore what it means to grow up as the “easy” child, and how claiming space does not betray the people we love. Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com. Producer’s Note: When our anonymous guests do a session with Esther for the podcast, it is an act of generosity for everyone who listens. These sessions are meant not only to support the people in the room with Esther, but all of us who learn from their stories. Our stories have many chapters, and what you hear is just one moment in someone’s journey. So even though the sessions are anonymous, please remember that real people are behind them and they may be reading your comments. Also, please join me on Entre Nous, my new home on Substack for anyone who wants to live, love, and work with more connection and imagination. I invite you to sign up and become a free or paid member at estherperel.substack.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	Hi, Esther. I'm getting married in just over a month, and while I am really excited and
0:08.2	anticipating the event, I'm also concerned that I'll get in the way, get in my own way of
0:15.0	experiencing joy and getting married. You know, it's, well, it's a super happy occasion.
0:21.6	It's brought up some difficult feelings as well.
0:25.6	Some of the contacts behind that, my older brother, it's just the two of us, is non-speaking autistic
0:32.6	and lives with my parents at home.
0:35.6	And I think there's always been some comparison between the two of us.
0:42.1	I don't think done by my parents so much, but I think between him and I, where I have always been hyper aware of the things that I could do that he couldn't.
0:55.0	And I think the same goes for him.
0:58.0	And in some ways, I think I've been surprised how moving away from home and getting on with my life,
1:08.0	going to college and going on different, and ultimately now, being in a serious relationship and deciding together to get married, it feels like my life keeps moving.
1:23.6	Well, there's some stagnation just by the realities of his disability and those limitations.
1:34.4	And I guess my question for you in regards to all this is, how do I give myself permission to be happy at what I want to be one of the most joyful days of my life?
1:52.2	And how do I not get in my own way, despite being hyper aware of how my wedding might affect him. Thank you.
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2:51.9	Support for where should we begin comes from a hint water. Let me ask you, how is your
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