Hey there, folks. I am Dave Holmes. Welcome to Troubled Waters, the show that treats popular

culture as the most important kind of culture because it is potentially the one that bums you

out the least. Now, back when the outside was a place you could legally go, Troubled Waters would

pit two teams of comedians against each other in a pop culture battle royale. But now, teaming up with

another person who is not in your quarantine pod is possibly lethal, definitely uncool. So now it is

one comic against another. I, of course, I'm quarantining within my own $13.5 million home that

I just bought with Cecily Lopez with all my Coldplay money.

I don't know if you knew this, guys.

But the manager of Coldplay is also named Dave Holmes.

And anytime he makes any kind of news, usually like the worst gossip sites in the world will run my picture.

So he went out with Azalea Banks for a while.

Azalea Banks accused him of abuse.

A bunch of terrible websites ran that story with my picture and I got tons of hate mail. I am not. I have never gone out with Azzalia Banks. He has now moved to a $13.5 million house in Hidden Hills with his wife, Cecily Lopez. Variety ran the story with my picture. It was all very confusing. I don't live in Hidden

Hills. I'm very much renting a house in Studio City. That is better than my buddy Chris

can't well, you know, having the same name as a white supremacist and yet also being this

showrunner of Halton Catch Fire. He's like, well, this is a tough one. Yeah, that's rough. That's rough. I don't think that at all.

I do get a lot of DMs from people asking if Coldplay can like play their wedding or their prom.

And one of these days, I'm just going to be like, yes, wire me the money. And I myself will be there.

I have a comedian friend named Chris Martin who also

has the same problem. We will just show up together. Anyway, to win this battle, each comic will be

called upon to use their smarts, their rhetorical skills, the great comebacks they've been

stockpiling in isolation to earn the coveted Troubled Waters title, Pundit Emeritus.

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