Hello, sir. This is 999. What is your emergency?

Hi. Hi. Officer. Officer. This is an emergency. I'm panicking. I'm panicking.

Sir, please calm down. Please tell me the nature of your emergency. Okay, I'll try. I'll try. I was on this website, this very normal website. I don't know if you've heard of it. It's called Twitter.com.

Sir, we have heard of Twitter.com before here at the American division of the London Metropolitan Police Department.

I was on Twitter.com. Definitely not looking at photographs of, um, of, of, of girls that I went to school with 10 years ago.

Affirmative. Affirmative, you, uh, sir, stand down the squad. He was not thirst-trapping, repeat.

Caller was not thirst-trapping.

Go on, sir.

And I saw, I saw this man, this man, this brown, Asian man with beautiful skin.

I don't know how he's able to get that kind of skin.

Maybe it's some sort of elaborate skin care routine.

And he...

Sir, that has been noted. And he has been... That has been noted.

And he's tweeted, he's tweeted, I for one, love to discriminate against white people

at the cafe that I work in by charging them for soup when they order coffee.

The owner of this cafe has known about it for years, but he won't discipline me because he is afraid of being racist.

Sir, what is your location? We are going to establish a tactical nuclear position, sir.

He says on his Twitter profile that he is based in London, England, and I would be careful, officer, because I've read

many things about how London has been taken over by Sharia police.

Sir, I would suggest you get to cover as we have deployed the Trident Tactical Nuclear

device that the Traynor Corbyn has tried to remove. And do not worry, sir,

we will eliminate not only this particular Sharia compliant cafe, but every single business person

...