What up ladies, I'm Lisa Biliw and you are listening to Women of Impact.

Now one of the questions that I get asked so much is, I felt like I was duped, I felt

like I felt for this person, or I let this person into my world and they totally tricked

me and I have now been wounded and I don't know how to get back up.

Guys, I get that question so much and so today this episode is for anyone that's worried

about that because if you've ever met someone that just seems so different from your toxic ex, they're soft, they're emotional, they feel safe. And yet somehow, six months in, you're somehow even more confused, even more drained and doubting yourself like never freaking before. Well, if you've ever sat on the edge of your bed thinking, wait, is he actually a good guy or just good at hiding it? Then my home you gotta listen up, because the truth is not all noses show up in a flashy sports car or the big ego vibe. Those people we actually know now about what the flags look like and we can identify them. But today we're digging into the ones that are way freaking harder to see coming, which is now in society called the soft boy trap. The resentful martyrs and the straight up comelian kings of manipulation. And most of all, how the hell can you protect yourself when everyone else thinks you're crazy for calling it out? rejoining me is none other than the freaking go of the go to dr. Romani. She's the OG expert on narcissism and she does not mess around guys. She's about to spit some truth that will forever change how you actually see difficult people and yourself. Now here's what we're digging into today, the sneaky signs of the soft boy narcissists and why being emotionally open actually does not always mean that he's safe. We talk about how the resentful martyr leaves you feeling endlessly in debt and doubting your own needs. And then of course you end up being completely stuck. Then finally we go into the one trait. Every single narcissist has no matter how charming, pitiful or wounded they may seem. And how you can finally spot this in the world. So ladies if you're tired of abandoning yourself, tired of feeling gaslit by other people. And you actually want to finally be able to trust your own gut? Then this conversation is the absolute blueprint you need to stop second guessing yourself and start trusting your own damn eyes. So without further ado, let's dive in with the woman herself, Dr. Romney right here on Women of Impact. You've said the ultimate ruse of analysis is a new phenomenon called the soft boy trap. So what is it and why has it become one of the worst and most dangerous narcissist for women to actually spot? The soft boy to me is almost like a kind of mask. It's the man who shows up with all this feeling and being interested in sort of things that we typically don't associate a man with wanting to do. But again,

soft boy, softness, and it's often read as, well, this is a safe person. This is none of that arrogant grandiose entitled, many of that. But unfortunately, I think by dint of it being called a soft boy, it's not just a genuinely sweet and pathic man. This is somebody who's almost putting on these characteristics.

And then by putting on these characteristics, someone can get quite drawn in thinking like, oh, especially if that person in prior relationships had dated someone who was more toxic, manipulative, gas-lady, combative, all the things that people like, oh, this is terrible, the cesspool of online dating. And then you meet this person who feels very gentle and soft until they're not. And as with anyone who has any form of narcissistic trait, they're not when they're back as against the wall. Either you've triggered their insecurity, you're doing better than them. There's a sense of competitiveness that gets activated. Maybe it's a sense of jealousy. And all of a sudden now, you're dealing with this sort of seemingly at one point, very gentle, soft, emotionally seeming very connected person who is now probably going to be more sullen and resentful. So the traits we then see are more of the vulnerable narcissistic traits. And vulnerable narcissism already is a presentation that throws people off in relationships, right? Because this is not the person that comes whizzing up at the sports car and you know with the swagger and the charm and the charisma and the gym body and all that stuff with all the negative narcissistic traits and the selfishness. You can kind of see that one theoretically coming from a mile away. You can see it on social media and the the person will say, yes, I got caught up in the trap. I should assume that vulnerable narcissism is a slower burn. You really are sometimes seeing more of these soft boy characteristics. And in so doing, you have somebody who may actually initially seem very emotionally vulnerable, which is also a soft boy quality showing up as quite vulnerable, opening up about difficult experiences, opening up about feelings. In fact, so much so that people say, oh, this is so intimate, this is so close, this is so vulnerable. But now when the vulnerable narcissistic stuff shows up, for example, a very classical vulnerable narcissistic pattern is to be very resentful, right? And then kind of be pouty and sullen. When that happens, instead of thinking like, okay, this is so unattractive, the partner may think like, oh my gosh, my gentle, sweet, soft man has now gone through something. And this is just their vulnerability and they're feeling insecure. And the vulnerable narcissist may even be able to sort of turn that around and saying, well, I'm sorry I took this out on you, but nothing ever goes my way. Like nothing and I'm so sorry I took this out, you know, so they'll even twist it. So it feels like an empathy, but they'll come back to the victimized, but nothing ever goes my way. Like, oh, here I go again. Once again, something didn't work out for me. What's wrong with me? You hear that and you're like, oh, they're kind of insecure. And but you really have to be studied at this where you're saying like, once again, the world's against me and that the world's against me. Mindset is very much one of those early tells in invulnerable narcissistic person, but the problem is a person could say that and not have that personality style.

I'm just like, I'm not bad luck. I've had bad luck, right? It's there's so many subtle things that show up, but because the subtleties all embedded in somebody who is sharing emotion and isn't coming in like, I've got the answer to everything. I'm the smartest guy in the room, but rather, They're coming in with, I am a pretty smart guy, but I just haven't been able to get it

together.

That doesn't feel like that arrogance.

And I think the big mistake people have made is they always tag narcissism to extreme arrogance and charm and swagger. It can be, but it also can be this more vulnerable presentation. And people who go through these soft boy-esque relationships, these vulnerable narcissistic relationships, they have a much harder time navigating the relationship and getting out because they feel so much pity and guilt. People with this kind of a personality style don't deal with rejection well. They don't deal with feelings of abandonment, whereas a grandiose narcissistic person will get Probably over at the angry and then find a new person to date the next day, a vulnerable narcissistic person may be incapable of coping with the shame that the rejection and the abandonment bring out. They may lash out in angry ways. They may stalk. They may even try to do things like harm themselves. There can be a lot of silent treatment. treatment. There can be a lot of passive aggression. And even a couple's therapists will have trouble spotting that, thinking like, oh, this

spouse is depressed. even to do things like harm themselves. There can be a lot of silent treatment, there can be a lot of passive aggression,

and even a couple's therapists will have trouble spotting

that, thinking like, oh, this spouse is depressed.

That kind of thing.

So then in couples therapy, everything becomes about

that person's depression and sadness,

but they're sharing their feelings with you,

after all, traditionally doesn't happen

with the grandiose narcissistic spouse.

This is why, Lisa, I tell people, you need a year off after you've been in a relationship with a narcissistic person, because it leaves so much sticky residue on you that you need at least a year to wash it all off, because it's really dangerous to date as a reaction. I had this and that was a mess, so now I'm gonna date the opposite, hell no, because you're still gonna miss how your body's feeling feeling you're still at run the risk of self abandonment all of that you need to do the work Heal the losses heal the betrayal that may have come from that one kind of relationship. Maybe a grandiose one Get to the core of some of those self abandonment patterns feel more whole within yourself And only then start dating again if that's what you want to do, because then you might be more willing to pay attention to something's uncomfortable in me rather than, well, this is the opposite of that, so this is going to be fine. Yeah, that's so true. And do soft boys, would they love you? I absolutely can. Absolutely kidding, I mean, you remember Darvo, which stands for Denai Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, is a model proposed by Dr. Jennifer Fried, way back in 1997. So basically what Darvo looks like is you go up to a partner and you say, hey, I saw these texts on your phone. They're really inappropriate. There's no, there's no way. I didn't, I didn't do that.

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