Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bill of Jesse Thorn. This week, the skeleton

brief, Chris Files suit against his fiance, Bonnie. Bonnie loves to decorate the home for

the fall season. Chris thinks she starts decorating too early in the year. Bonnie says

she wants to enjoy her favorite time of year as much as possible.

Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters

the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

My mission in life is to make everybody as uneasy as possible. I think we should all be

as uneasy as possible because that's what the world is like. Bill of Jesse Thorn, please

swear them in.

Chris, Bonnie, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the

whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he himself is

a spooky skeleton? I do. I do. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Thank you for revealing

my darkest secret. The actor that I hired to go on our live justice tour this November

is not the real John Hodgman. I'm actually a plastic spooky skeleton with red light-up

eyes. I need someone to change that little disc battery in the back of my head because

my eyes aren't lighting up properly anymore. I picture them as the kind of red light-up

eyes that kind of go, when they turn on. Well, you can picture them perfectly because

you've seen me in my true form because we are old friends. Yeah, of course, since our days

in the Skull and Bone Society. No, I was not a member of Skull and Bones

at Yale University. The four-year accredited institution in Southern Connecticut that I

got my Bachelor of Arts degree from. Bad news, John. I was a member of Skull and Bones

...