Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

So glad you're here. I'm sorry I didn't call.

Happy Tuesday, everyone.

So AOL announced it's finally shutting down its dial-up service.

It's a shame because one man had just got the upgrade.

President Trump has moved Barack Obama's White House portrait to a rarely used stairwell.

But if he really wants no one to see it, he should just give it to Jimmy Kimmel.

Meanwhile, the portrait of Bill Clinton was moved from the ladies' bathroom.

Because its eyes kept moving.

A hairless English French bulldog was crowned the winner of the 2025 world's ugliest dog contest.

Well, it looks like I got my third facelip for nothing, said the runner up.

Yeah. On Monday, President Trump deployed the National Guard in D.C. where he criticized the city, saying, quote,

My father told me when you walk into a restaurant and see a dirty front door, don't go in.

Sounds like his dad was trying to warn him about Stormy Daniels.

Trump also said he told the National Guard to tell criminals,

You spit and we hit, which is a lot different from an ex-president's motto of,

You swallow and I follow.

Sorry.

U.S. Attorney Janine Piro went on a tirade saying our laws are weak.

We can't touch anyone if they're 14, 15, 16, or 17 years old.

Tell me about it, said one man.

Thank you. years old. Tell me about it, said one man. An ABC news anchor revealed she was jumped by a half-dressed vagrant in D.C.

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