Today, I have one of my favorite guests, Mr. Stefan Speaks, is in the house. He's a relationship expert, YouTuber with over 100 million views. And guys, his mission is to help people have healthier, more fulfilling relationships, whether you're actually single or currently in a relationship. Now, today, we go deep and talk about the lies and bias we accept as normal in relationships. We also talk about the fact that great sex just isn't enough to stick out with the

wrong- and talk about the lies and bias we accept as normal in relationships. We also talk about the fact that great sex just isn't enough to stick it out with the wrong person. And then surprisingly, white tips and tricks are actually a horrible way to get a long-term healthy relationship started. Who knew? If you want some juicy relationship knowledge and craving even more, then you can go back and check out past episodes of Women of Impact with Stefan Speeps. And click that follow button so that you can never miss out on more upcoming Women of Impact episodes and then also share it with your homies. I cannot do this alone, guys, and I need your help to spread the word of Women of Impact. So send this episode or other episodes that you've loved to a home of yours right now. All right, without further ado, let's dive in with my boy, Stefan Speaks. Get ready for a fire episode. It starts with that one little thing that we try to tell ourselves is not a big deal. But if it's really important to us, it is a big deal.

It doesn't matter how simple it seems

to other individuals.

If it's not going to allow us to show up

to this relationship, 100%, we have a serious problem.

Step on in the house!

Once again, I love having you here.

Honest, no BS discussions are really, really important and I think very meaningful to so many people. And today I want to start with one of the most powerful quotes I've ever heard you say, you will never be good enough for the wrong person. Yeah. You will never be good enough for the wrong person. So how do we know when we're in a relationship whether they are the right person or whether we should basically walk away? So think about the quote, you'll never be good enough. So the way you'll expose them is by being your best that you can possibly be. And if it's still not good enough to make this relationship work, create harmony for both of you to be happy, then we know this is in the match. So even look at it from the standpoint of, all right, let's say they require certain things. They require a certain level of communication from you, require a certain level of sex from you, all these things. And you know that having to do all of that seems like too much. Okay, that's already your sign, this is gonna work. Or let's say you try it and trying it feels like a burden. It feels like this is too much to have to sustain this. So you're not gonna be able to keep this going over a long period of time. Again, that has exposed you two are not best for each other. I feel that a lot of people are making it harder for themselves to see what's in front of them because they're not coming with their best self. What do you mean by that then? Meaning they're holding back. A lot of people have walls up. They're guarded coming to relationships. They haven't healed from past traumas. And so by holding back, you're essentially giving your partner a free pass to do the same. All right. You're essentially validating dysfunction with your own dysfunction. Now, people may not see holding back as dysfunction because to them it's a defense mechanism. It's how we protect ourselves. But I always say the same laws you have up to protect your the same laws blocking your blessings. Because in a relationship, love cannot flow in and out with a wall up. It's restricting your ability to receive and give it. So you don't get to see the full potential of this relationship. You don't drive out darkness with more darkness. So you're not going to drive out their insecurities by you holding back. You're not going to drive out where you two are not in alignment by holding back. No, by you showing up as your best self, you will get to see. And not only will you get to see if the problem is them, you'll get to see if you're lacking in certain areas. So for example, let's say to you, your best self is you have a tendency to get snarky when you have a discussion with people. Your attitude is a little negative. And you've been conditioned to think, and well, that's normal. We all do that, or maybe you grew up in a family that did that. So now, by being your best, and that person still saying, but no, this is an issue. Now, you have to determine, okay, is this an issue that I can embrace correcting? And that means I have some things to work on? Or can I honestly say across the board, people view this as a no problem situation or no problem characteristic that I have? Now I can say no problem is you. You see? So if it is I communicate well, but you still won't open up. There's nothing left to do here You see but if I'm not communicating properly, how do I get to really hold them to the standard of healthy communication? So how am I supposed to say good? So how do you know it in those moments? Who is who like is it the fact that you're not good enough at communicating or the fact that they're resistant to Communicating because I've heard you also say like if you you ask your friends, I'm like, I don't understand why he's doing it. And they're like, oh, girl, you're doing a great job. But you're now asking people who see things like you. So in those moments, how can you be truthful in knowing if it is something that is a them thing or a you thing? Yeah. of it honestly is just getting educated on what healthy relationships are really supposed to be about.

And not just looking at it as healthy relationships in a romantic sense, healthy relationships with other people. Because healthy communication is what you need to have with anyone you talk to. You should learn how to express yourself and how to listen, whether it's a child, a friend, a coworker, if you want to see successful outcomes in these situations. So once we start to understand that this is about how we interact with other human beings, okay, and start from that foundation, because again, if it's not healthy with them, if it's truly an issue that needs to be fixed, then more people will see it as a problem. Now, you mentioned, and you're right, if you ask people who operate like you do, they will validate your behavior even if it's negative. So you've got to be willing to go outside of that circle sometimes, or someone that you can honestly say has successful communication with people. This seems to be someone that everyone feels comfortable talking to, enjoys talking to, I enjoy talking to them. All right, this is a person I should be asking, but don't ask the person who also has a problem communicating with other individuals that other people are also shying away from opening up to. Clearly, they don't have that answer. You see, because they're not implementing that answer at the very least. So I think it's recognizing other individuals who are successful in that area, but getting a general education of how we have, how we successfully coexist with other people in various aspects and different relationship dynamics. God, that's amazing, but then you also have to really want to hear the truth and see the truth because I get it I told you I've been that person that defends myself because I have low self esteem and so in those moments where maybe you've got conflict or maybe you're trying to work on this relationship It is it's somewhat a protective mechanism to say it's them and not me So I think you have to really want to hear the truth so that you can see if it's them or you because if it is you, I now with the growth mindset think of that as being a beautiful thing because now I can improve myself. Yes. And I think also consider this. So let's say you're in the relationship, your partner says, I have an issue with your communication style. And initially you're like, well, no, there's nothing wrong with fit. Everyone else thinks it's fine. But listen to what they're suggesting.

So first... says, I have an issue with your communication style. And initially you're like, well, no, there's nothing wrong

with fit.

Everyone else thinks it's fine. But listen to what they're suggesting. So first ask them, okay, well, what would you prefer? Or how would you prefer I communicate? What do you want to see? Now, if what they're suggesting is doable for you, even if you think you're fine with communication, How does it hurt you to adapt or to embrace what they're saying?

Now, if while you're trying it, you're not feeling uncomfortable in the sense that you can't do this or this is wrong or this is going against who you are, then why not continue to do it? Because clearly it's at least a better form of communication for them. It's gonna help the relationship get better. So there is a question also of how badly do I want to make things work This is individual and it's always about if what they're asking me is causing me to cross the line That's against my values or makes me uncomfortable. So to use an example, let's say sexually real quick Let's just say they're into something super kinky all? And that's what they want you to do more in the bedroom.

But doing that goes against your personal beliefs. It disgusts you. It makes you uncomfortable. Okay, that's not something that we can then do. That's how you know, okay, we're just not a good fit then. Because the things that you need, I can't supply that. And if I try to, it will go against what I truly am what's important to me?

But what about when it's like,

when it's not that bad?

Well, it's not that bad.

I'm sure just... try to, it will go against what I truly am and what's important to me. But what about when it's like, well, it's not that bad.

Well, it's not that bad.

Sure, just right.

And then you keep telling yourself, it's not that bad.

...