From KCRW, this is nocturne.

Hi, this is Vanessa.

Hi, this is Vanessa.

I want to let you know that this episode contains topic matter related to suicide and its

painful aftermath.

There's nothing graphic, but it could be triggering for some people. My brother for the good part of my life he was my best friend. He was younger than me. Two and a half years younger so I was kind of protective.

He was born on Christmas Eve and my parents told me

that he was my Christmas present.

This was my earliest memory. This was my earliest memory.

It was a really, really intense sibling partnership.

We would just sit and we would talk for hours and hours

about everything.

Like, he knew everything about me I knew everything about

him like when I got married we actually had our own song in my wedding you know as

brother and sister and it was Whitney Houston's I will always love you and if we were driving around we would just sing it at the top of our lungs and at my wedding it was right at the end of the whole big party so we're just a hot mess my hair's all

coming out and done and his tucks is all untucked and we are just locked in

each other's eyes flinging each other around.

And like that's how I want to remember him.

That full of vitality and full of joy and full of love.

After Carson died, I just made camp at my parents house and I was sitting on the bed that he slept in while he was staying there and across the room is the bathroom and as I'm just kind of in this space of just zoning out

and staring across the room, the light on the bathroom went from completely off to completely on.

There was no little flicker. It was very much off to on and I'm the only one in the room.

...