Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about the importance of taking breaks.

So it's a cozy Friday afternoon during the holiday season, and you and your partner are discussing your plans for Saturday night.

You want to stay home, have a relaxing dinner, and watch a movie on TV.

Your partner wants to go to their best friend's house for an ugly sweater party, which you know will be crowded and loud.

Pretty soon, something that started as a quiet discussion has escalated, and your partner is now accusing you of not liking their

friends. You feel hurt, and say it's not their friends that bother you, it's the loud party,

and having to talk to lots of strangers you don't even know. Your partner then says,

okay, forget it then. I'll go alone. And suddenly you find yourself in the middle of a screaming

argument, feeling angry and attacked and totally overwhelmed. And now you're saying things you don't

even mean. Adrenaline is pumping through your

body. Your muscles clench, your palms get sweaty, your stomach turns and your heart feels like it's

pumping out of your chest. What's happening to you? You are in fight or flight mode and experiencing

what's called emotional flooding. And at that point, any communication between the two of you has literally stopped.

Nothing can be solved.

And when that happens to either you, your partner, or both, it's time to stop the conversation and take a break.

So that's great, you think.

But what does taking a break really mean?

What's the best way to pause the conversation?

First, timing is important.

Make a plan with your partner that when either of you get too agitated during an argument, that you'll take a break.

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