Hi. You're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about feeling lonely while in a relationship. It's the holiday season, a time of

joy and family and traditions. But if you're in a relationship

where either you or your partner have felt disconnected from the other, the holidays can be

especially stressful. Because while everyone is celebrating around you, your feelings of loneliness

may even become more intense. Some people may wonder how it's possible to feel

alone when you share a home and spend so much time together, often in the same room, but it really

has nothing to do with physical proximity. It's about emotional connection. For instance,

does your partner hardly ever make eye contact or constantly text

on their phone while you're trying to speak? If so, it's no surprise that you feel dismissed,

disconnected, and isolated. So, what's the antidote for loneliness? Paying attention to each other's

bids for attention, and then responding by turning

toward your partner with kindness and understanding. A bid is any attempt for a connection. It could be

verbal or nonverbal, a question, a comment, a touch, or a wink, or dozens of other ways you might

reach out to connect. But how you or your

partner respond to the bed makes all the difference in the world. For example, say you've had a

really exhausting day. And even though it's your night to cook dinner, you go into the living

room and ask your partner, who's watching television if they'd cook instead. They may turn away from the

bid, totally ignore your question, and continue to watch TV, which will create disconnection and

resentment between you. They may turn against the bid, shut down the conversation and say,

you promise to cook tonight. Can't you see I'm

...