Are you an absolutely huge fomter or a zoom-in or perhaps you're an arm stretched out like a zombie

when holding a newspaper or a holds a book so close you might as well be kissing it.

Er, at SpexAvers, we get it. You don't want to admit it's time to become a glasses wearer.

That's okay. We're ready to see you whenever you're ready to see properly.

Book an iTest at spexavers.co.uk so you can see clearer. Er, okay, we'll stop with the

ears now.

This is top flight time machine. I am Andy Hot Body Dawson.

I'm Sam Nitty Delaney. So what? Well, I'm a long Friday morning episode.

Can we begin with an email possibly from the mail bag, Sam?

Great. Er, here it is. It's from someone called Andy. And he says, witnessed some champions league

level lamparding at the weekend. Er, okay, where we'll see. This is where standing on the touch

line with other parents watching my sons under 17 football match. There were 13 edges in a group

watching as well. I heard one mum chuntering a bit about these lads smoking, which I thought

was a bit strange as we were outside, but you soon piped down. Then some middle-aged lampard

with shoulder length gray hair appeared. I'm immediately imagined in the recent picture of Tony Blair,

these long hair. Yeah, or Bob from Twin Peaks who took Blair was compared to quite rightly.

So he appeared and started remonstrating with these three lads in the poshest voice I've heard

in Leeds for a while. Excuse me, guys. Would you not, would you mind not smoking weed here?

What do you mean? What's my problem? My problem is that it keeps wafting in my face and I don't

like it. And it is illegal, you know. Now, would you please leave? I'm sorry, I laughed over that

bit. What do you say after it is illegal? Would you please leave? He says, these lads just shrugged

and shuddered outside of moving. So we started looking for allies, first pleading with the other

...