The Hidden Cost of Being Too Nice: Why People-Pleasing is Silently Killing Your Success | Scott Barry Kaufman : 1261

The Human Upgrade with Dave Asprey

Dave Asprey

Fat, Health & Fitness, Meditation, Biohacking, Lifestyle, Diet, Science, Self-improvement, Fasting, Nutrition, Hacking, Fitness, Brain, Wellness, Education

4.6 • 7.3K Ratings

🗓️ 18 March 2025

⏱️ 80 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

You hold the door open. You say yes when you mean no. You put others first—always. It feels like the right thing to do… but is it costing you more than you realize?

In this episode, Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D.—Columbia professor, psychologist, and author of Rise Above—joins Dave Asprey to expose the psychology of victim vs. empowerment mindsets. He reveals how toxic altruism, external validation, and emotional fragility keep people stuck—and how you can reclaim your confidence, set boundaries, and create a life of true growth.

Dr. Kaufman, one of the world’s most cited scientists, shares cutting-edge research on self-actualization, resilience, and the hidden mental loops that shape your success. If you’ve ever felt stuck in self-doubt, drained from over-giving, or afraid to take up space, this conversation will help you break free.

What You’ll Discover in This Episode:

• Victim vs. empowerment mindset—the key shift that changes everything

• The psychological traps of toxic altruism—and why over-giving holds you back

• How people-pleasing rewires your brain—and how to break the cycle

• The science of self-actualization—how to unlock your full potential without guilt

• Why modern culture and social media reward emotional fragility—and how to rise above it

• The neuroscience behind confidence, resilience, and making better choices for YOUR growth

If you’ve ever felt stuck, undervalued, or drained from always being “nice”, this episode will show you how to step into your power, rewrite your mental programming, and take control of your future.

Transcript

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0:00.0	The most recent research that Martin Seligman has done shows that he was completely wrong about his word helplessness theory.
0:06.5	Basically, I distinguish between a victim mindset and an empowerment mindset, and I define a victim mindset as having the certain mentality where you blame all your problems on external circumstances,
0:15.8	whether it's like dealt you a bad hand or that a person or an entire group of people have it in for you
0:20.8	and are holding you back. You don't believe you need to take responsibility for your actions or
0:24.6	reactions because of past trauma, which is an overused word. You can't stop ruminating about your
0:29.4	passive victimization and you may fixate so much on revenge that you don't think about solutions
0:33.6	or ways of moving forward with your life with hope and purpose. Is it true that people today, especially young people, are more emotionally fragile than their
0:42.4	predecessors?
0:44.0	You're listening to The Human Upgrade with Dave Asprey.
0:50.0	You might notice that Scott looks kind of like Cyclops right now.
0:55.0	And not only is he a psychiatry superhero, he's wearing the, I didn't even know he had them,
1:02.1	he's wearing the true dark glasses that are like our clinical grade, knock you on your butt,
1:05.9	sleep glasses, I use a merget leg.
1:07.7	And he's like, Dave, you're wearing yours, I'm wearing mine.
1:09.5	But mine are the daytime ones.
1:11.0	You'll fall asleep if you wear those, Scott.
1:12.9	It's true.
1:13.5	I'm only going to keep them on for a couple minutes for aesthetic shock value.
1:17.0	You can look like Cyclops.
1:18.1	By the way, we published a study in a medical journal, I forget which one, of those glasses,
1:24.5	showing in 15 minutes the changes in EEG brainwaves associated with it, they are
1:30.2	like noise-counseling headphones for your eyes. You see a huge drop in beta increases in alpha.
	...

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