The Follow-Up: The Default Parent Dilemma

The PedsDocTalk Podcast

Dr. Mona Amin

Medicine, Health & Fitness, Kids & Family, Parenting

5 • 1.4K Ratings

🗓️ 26 May 2025

⏱️ 15 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Ever feel like you're the one who just knows when the Band-Aids are running low? The one who remembers the pediatrician’s number, tracks school spirit days, and anticipates every snack, schedule, and meltdown? You might be the default parent—and you’re not alone. In this week’s Follow-Up episode, we dig into the invisible labor of parenting: who carries it, how it ends up falling on one partner (often moms), and what it takes to shift those dynamics without resentment. We talk about: What the default parent role actually is—and how to know if you're in it Why moms in particular fall into this role (hint: it’s not just about who works more) How cultural expectations of “intensive mothering” set us up for burnout The slow unraveling of guilt, identity, and control so many of us face Practical strategies and mindset shifts that help partners share the load Whether you're feeling overstretched or trying to find more balance in your home, this episode is a validating, honest, and empowering listen. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	Welcome to the follow-up. I'm Dr. Mona, your online pediatrician, mom friend, and apparently the only person in my house who knows where the sunscreen, school forms, and that one jacket that actually zips up are located.
0:13.9	Default parent, present. Today's clip is from my conversation with Erica Joseph, founder of Momwell, and author of releasing the mother load,
0:21.6	how to carry less and enjoy motherhood more. We dive into what being the default parent really means
0:26.5	beyond just being the one who packs the snacks or knows the pediatrician's phone number by heart.
0:31.3	Erica breaks down why moms, especially in heterosexual partnerships, tend to default into this role,
0:37.3	how much of it is unspoken and deeply
0:39.5	internalized, and how couples can start shifting the mental load in a way that actually sticks.
0:44.4	If you've ever muttered, just look it up yourself to your partner or answered 17 questions
0:49.6	before your coffee hit the table from your partner.
0:52.9	This one's for you.
0:55.0	Let's get into it.
1:04.5	What is the default parent and how does someone know that they're the default parent?
1:10.3	Yeah, it's a really great question because I hear a lot, well, you know, partners are taking on so much more than they ever have before.
1:12.1	They take on like, I don't know, 33% of the household labor, for example.
1:16.4	And while that is true, and it is great that there is more conversations happening about this,
1:22.6	the default parent is really about who owns the tasks and the rules in the home. It's really the
1:31.2	unspoken rules about when the kids say that they need something or something needs to be done
1:37.1	or someone needs to go and get something so who is the default responsible for the children.
1:42.0	It's the assumed person that has ownership over the tasks and
1:45.7	roles. And often what I find when I speak with people is that this was never really a conscious
1:52.9	conversation. It was just sort of assumed because I'm mom. I will be primary drop off and pick up.
2:00.7	I will be primary point of contact for
	...

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