Welcome back to the Look and Sound of Leadership, an ongoing series of executive

coaching tips designed to help you be perceived in the workplace the way you want

to be perceived. I'm Tom Henschel, your executive coach, and today we're talking about the art of chat.

Marilyn is apparent to the division director.

At a recent coaching session, she told me she'd gone into the break

room earlier that day to get a drink. A few people had been standing around chatting. She

had skirted them and gotten out as fast as she could so they wouldn't engage her.

She looked at me and sighed disgustedly and said,

If I'm going to be a division director, I've got to learn to chat, but I hate it.

Having coached dozens of highly analytical experts who felt incompetent at chatting, I assured

her it's a learned skill, and it's not all that hard to learn.

To chat successfully, you first have to adopt one attitude above all others. Curiosity.

When Marilyn heard this, she was skeptical.

I asked her if she was worried whether her curiosity might feel invasive to others, or whether she simply wouldn't know what to ask.

With a weary smile she said, both.

Let's take the first one first, I said.

I'm going to guess you're less worried about their feeling invaded

than you are about feeling as if you are an invader.

You aren't comfortable when people inquire about you, so you imagine that's how others feel too.

Am I close?"

She said yes.

Then I asked her to picture the people in the breakroom.

...