Well, sup, sup, sup, sup, please, subitle you here and this is part two of the freaking mind-blowing episode of Women of Impact with none other than the former Secret Service agent and forever freaking badass, every Pumporous. Now trust me, if you thought part one was absolutely the bee's knees, then you're not gonna wanna miss this common episode guys, because every is still sharing so many freaking tactics and strategies, so that you too can absolutely immediately come on to respect and finally put toxic people in their place. Now today we're digging into strategies for setting boundaries with toxic people so they don't mess with you any longer. We also go over the communication tactics and how you can choose your words very wisely in order for you to get what you want. We talk about how to spot, portrayal and figure out who actually deserves a spot in your inner circle, and who definitely doesn't deserve that spot. And why you need to stop blaming others without a compassion, guys, we've got to stop blaming others, and we have to start embracing our radical responsibility to make the most out of our damn lives. And finally, we end on how on earth you can use the way other people perceive you to your advantage. So guys, let's just dive right back in. Right now, I'm Lisa Bily. Welcome to Women's Impact. This episode is Freaking Fire. Tactic number five. Get people to trust you. When you have rapport, you have trust. When you have trust, you have cooperation. But the majority of the public think rapport is that, hi, how are you? It's the thing that I do in the beginning of a conversation. I relax that person and then we go into it. rapport is actually something deeper. When you think of rapport, it's first, it doesn't start at the beginning and then stop. Report something you keep straight across the board. Beginning, middle, and end. You maintain it throughout. Think of it like a ping pong match. You speak, I speak. You speak, I speak. It's as if we're playing ping pong. You got the ball. I got the ball. So it's this ability to understand and communicate with people. And when you can establish rapport and and understand how to establish rapport, this is when your communication is top tier. So there's a couple of strategies with developing rapport, and there are science-based research behind them, and these are the things that you can do to connect with people. So one of the first ones is acceptance, which is where I think people have the hardest time. When you're having a conversation with someone, it's about having the ability to accept what they're saying. As truth? No, just as their truth, okay? Right? So it's not me telling you know you're wrong, it's me allowing you to say what you want to say and me accepting what you're saying. So if you think of an example, I'll go back to my previous career when I would interview somebody who uses either a terrorist or a terrorist sympathizer. I would have to accept that they hated America. I would have to accept that America was the bad guy in their lens. I may not personally agree with it, but I would have to accept it. When you have acceptance, it means you're allowing now the person to talk. The whole key to rapport is how do I keep people communicating and going and then feeling comfortable? That is acceptance. When you want to have good communication with people, you said acceptance, right? And that means kind of pushing your ego out of the way and just saying, this is what Lisa thinks. And whether I agree with it or not is not the point, right? It's accepting what you're saying as your truth. Now, when you have acceptance, which is probably the biggest hurdle, when you can conquer that, the next thing, the other thing you can do is have adaptability. So with adaptability, it means not being rigid. And I know I've said this to you before. When you are rigid, when you're like, this is it, this is one way, this is the only way you will struggle. Any being, any human being that's not able to adapt and change to their environment, and this goes with all species, they will struggle, they will not survive. So adaptability is key. You may have an agenda when I go to this meeting or when I engage in this conversation, I want to talk about this. And now you begin speaking to that person. But maybe that person starts talking to you about they day they had, or how they're feeling, or something else. When you try to course correct them, and you try to shift them back to where you want to go, that's not adaptability. Adaptability means allowing a person to go where they want.

And this is where ego comes in. With these strategies, you can't have ego. So accepting someone means it's not about me, it's not about my ego. I accept who you are, I accept what you say. I may not like it. Adaptability is I'm going to adapt and allow you to maybe take the conversation where you wanna go. I'm going to adopt to you.

And these strategies allow people to feel

that you are speaking with them. They feel that they are heard. Another great strategy to use in rapport building is autonomy. Autonomy allows people to have power. You're giving people power back. So when you're negotiating with someone and the negotiation really is to take things away from them or you're trying to get something from them, when you're trying to get them to agree with what you want, we don't want to bulldoze people, right? We don't want to make people or force people to choose. It creates resistance, it creates challenge in the relationship, it creates people pushing back, putting up their defensive barriers, they don't want that. So when you use autonomy, it's saying, okay, I'll give you a choice. Would you like this, or would you like this? Now I create a choice that you choose, but by that simple way of me giving you a choice, I'm giving you some kind of power back. I'm giving you the ability to feel like every's not telling me what to do. She's letting me choose. So often when I would arrest people and if it was a nonviolent arrest, I would give them autonomy. And when I could, which didn't happen often, again, it was with non-violent cases, I would say, look, I have to arrest you. Now, I can come to your home and arrest you. Or if you'd like, you can come to me and I can arrest you. And so you're getting arrested. You don't want it. There's nothing about it that's great. But I'm giving you some power over something that you feel completely powerless over. So it's, which do you choose? Most people would say, okay, can we make an appointment? And we would make appointments and say, okay, come in on this day at this time. And we would set it up. So that is autonomy. In that moment, you're losing all that power, but I'm giving you some power back. That builds rapport. It builds a connection. I assure you whenever I made these appointments, the person, although they weren't happy, they appreciated it. So these are rapport building strategies. And another one that is really powerful is empathy. An empathy is the ability to see things from another person's perspective. So again, going back to when I did maybe interrogations, I would speak to people who did horrible crimes or terrorism. Speaking to people who thought doing certain acts, certain violent acts, they were justified. They were reasons. Now, my goal or my purpose was not to shame that person or judge that person. I had nothing to do with that. My goal was to listen and to try to empathize, not sympathize. I could not sympathize why you would commit this act, but I could try to empathize as to how you got there, why you thought this way. When you have empathy, when you give a person empathy, it's the ability for me to understand your world, to see things through your lens. Now we're connecting. All this stuff is rapport. All these techniques, these skills that you use are rapport. And now you've got this flow. Now you've got people liking you, wanting to talk to you, wanting to say yes to you. And the whole purpose behind this is,

if I'm in a situation where somebody is giving me conditional trust, which is trust with conditions, but I want to move that relationship forward, or I have someone who's giving me no trust, and I want to move that relationship forward. I do it through rapport. That was so far. So here's what the question I've got now for you. That was amazing. Does that work mostly on people that you don't know?

Like for instance, let's say you want to get a better communicator with a parent or a partner. You use this for everything because it's situation focused. Right, think about how many conversations you have about time, about how many different things. You know, Tom, as a person, but your conversations or when you disagree with something, they fluctuate, do they not? So these techniques, you can use pending on the circumstance. So if Tom says something to you that you may not like, but you're trying to get him to connect with you on a certain topic, you want him to go with you on a specific topic,

then you would accept his position. Even if you're like, I think that's crazy, I think you're bonkers. I don't agree with you. I think that this is, you don't wanna say this is a horrible idea, this is a bad idea. You want to allow at least that person to say it and accept that that is what they think for this situation. You can use it on a person's if you're thinking about trying to create trust between people,

but then also creating trust within a situation. This is where this is communication, premier communication. I freaking love that. Because initially when you were actually saying it, I thought, oh okay, I can actually see that when you're meeting someone for the first time,

but having you reset it as like,

well, what if it's Tom makes complete sense?

Like, I freaking love that stuff because I'm always trying to get there, right? Like, been together for 20 years, but there's always room. So what are the ways in order to communicate and you breaking that down was amazing? It has to be because you want to do it, so to speak.

And I think the biggest hurdle is that people

are not willing to accept another person.

They're not willing to accept that other person's views. And we have this, I'm right, you're wrong. And that destroys rapport. This destroys rapport. And it's not about that. Acceptance is, I accept your view. So if I'm, you know, I would interview someone who rapes someone, I would just accept what they were saying. Or I may ask them, what did you do last night? And they may want to tell me about how they just started taking Brazilian jujitsu. I don't care if you're taking Brazilian jujitsu. But for whatever reason, I have to shift and adapt and let you take me on that journey. Because now you feel heard. And because you feel heard, you start to do what? Connect with me. Trust me. Have faith in me. These are the building blocks to creating report. But you maintain this from beginning, middle to end. You don't drop it.

And you say you don't drop it in the conversation

or you're saying, inter-tality in life. So like in the conversation. Right. In the conversation. And it always, it's ping pong. It's a mutual understanding between two people of what is being discussed. It is not a monologue. So if you're the only one speaking that is not rapport, right? right? It's I go you go I go you go.

It's you've literally shattered my hope

relief on what report is. So if you're the only one speaking that is not rapport, right? It's, I go, you go.

I go, you go.

It's, you've literally shattered my hope

relief from what rapport is. I definitely thought rapport was like, when you first meet someone, like, oh my god, like when I first met you, it's a water. Absolute like disaster in hindsight. But when I first met you, I don't want to go to every poor, She's quick, ah, me loi l'enigar, guess?

And see me loi l'enigar.

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