Well at my homey Lisa Bilyu here with a powerful two-part episode that will make narcissistic tricks and crappy abusive behaviour so damn obvious you'll never question if you're actually going crazy again. My girl Dr Romani is a powerhouse when it comes to exposing narcissistic behaviour and behaviours straight from the playbook. Now not only has Dr Romani been here more the times than I can count, she's one of my favourite freaking guests, she always delivers levels of insights that has helped millions of people spot and create the strategy to take their power back. And today we're unmasking the tricks that Nossusists use to maintain control over their partners. If you're absolutely done with being manipulated guys then we're about to show you how N how narcissists will use threats, mockery and even the silent treatment to keep you under their thumb. We also talk about why a typical narcissistic response to boundaries is more manipulation and the fight for control. Mahomi not only is this exhausting but it's even more reasons for you to get away. That's just part one guys, ladies, ladies, ladies, understanding narcissistic behaviour and being able to spot them in manipulation tactics may actually save your sanity or may even more seriously save your life. So listen deep, get a pen and let's dive in. Now here's where you gotta be careful, Delisa, right? Narcissistic people for their lack of empathy, lack of self-awareness, lack of regard for others, have an uncanny ability to recognize when someone's playing them. You might actually see an uptick in rage and their manipulations may become more cruel. It's almost like, you think you getting away easy. Oh, no. What actual cool and manipulative tactics would a narcissist start to use when they feel like they're losing control of you? So a lot of things this relationship works if you kind of give them what they want and then a lot for a lot of folks in a narcissistic relationship It's this this person's manipulating you. They're gaslighting you.

You're confused. They say terrible things. You say you react. It's a very normal reaction. As soon as you react or you get frothed up or you show strong emotion, you gave them exactly what they wanted, right? And so as you try to disengage, not fall for the manipulation, understand what it is you're dealing with. If they sense they're losing control of you. Like you said, you might actually see an uptick in rage, that their and their manipulations may become more cruel. It's almost like you think you're getting away easy? Oh hell no. I am going to, I'm going to say things that are even worse. I'm going to put you in even more problematic positions. And obviously this is on a continuum. In a milder relationship where you may not be, I don't know, financially dependent or something like that, it may be things like classical one. If you really do hold your ground against a narcissistic person, don't engage. You'll get a lot of, oh, so what's this? Are we in therapy now? Did your therapist teach you to do do this? Sort of a very contemptuous, very dismissive mockery. It'll be sheer mockery, which is very unpleasant to deal with. And it takes a toll on you over time. In some cases, they will attack things that matter to you. They will, your kids, your livelihood, your appearance, any of those things. To them, it's almost no-holds-barred because they're throwing the Hail Mary pass. They're going to sort of pull you back in. In some cases, they'll beat you to the punch and say, well, if you don't want to spend time with me, they'll step away. Now, you might think, well, that sounds great. A lot of people out there have abandonment issues issues. And all they want is for this relationship to work more normally or they may not want to lose the person. But when the narcissistic person sort of doesn't about face and says, I'm out of here, you know, like, I don't need this. You know, I don't know who this is, but I don't need this. and some people say, I don't know that I wanted them fully to go away. So abandonment is almost as big, this big card that narcissistic people will play. You might think of the silent treatment. And I am not, they don't play when it comes to silent treatment. They can go weeks. I do remember working with a few clients where they said, week six of silent treatment, living with someone has instead a word to me. so often they'll do the the passive aggressive play of, hey, hey, Billy, could you tell your mom to pass the potatoes like that kind of passive aggressive stuff? But if there is no third parties in the home, it is all silent treatment. Maybe some things handled in writing, maybe, but maybe not even that. And you got to have a nerves of steel to be able to handle that. People say they make them feel sick, and they'll say, I don't know what made me sicker, dealing with their reaction to me finally like pulling back my supply or having to just put up with their shenanigans and give in to it. The point is no point. No path is easy in these relationships. So all of those things can happen. Oh, where do we start? So if they're using that then as a manipulation tactic, are they just trying to make it worse than it already is? Like what's the thought process that's actually going on behind that? Too many people give people with this personality style too much. I don't want to say credit or they're assuming there's an intention and their motivation there that it's not.

Their motivation is to maintain the ground rules of a relationship that works for them.

And that's usually that they're in a dominant position.

So if anything that's inconveniencing them, they don't like that.

It's like you got a window open in your house and your call to go close the window.

It's that simple. You don't sit there and try to negotiate with the window you go and shut the damn window. So for a narcissistic person, if you sort of change ground rules that work for them and that's usually again you're pulling back supply, they've lost that thing they want, which is dominance and control. So at one level they're reacting to that, right? They don't like that and that sort of it brings up shame in security through shame, which is because they're in securities being pinged. They're losing control. They don't want that. So that will often lead to the lot of the reactivity. But every gambit for a narcissistic person is to maintain control or to keep getting supply. It's pretty simple. It's almost like a, it's almost like a rat. They just want to eat. You know, so if you think of it as it's just about supply and control, then you kind of know what motivates them. It's not personal. I think it feels

personal and it hurts you. My saying it's not personal is not me saying it doesn't hurt you, but it's all about this internal process they're having about I must be in control, but they're not aware of it. This is not, I got to get back in control. It's like, no, no, no, no, I don't like how this feels. And if I don't like how things feel, I lash out rather than a healthy person reflecting and saying, well, something changed here. What don't I like about that? There is something as you are laying out that feels very tactical, right? They are trying this. But to your point, it's not deliberate. So are they just throwing things and seeing what sticks? with really figuring out what's the thing that's going to irritate or really get that person back or stop them from having the power? They're tantra me. They're tantra me. So you ask the three year old why they tantra me. I'd be curious to see what answer you get back. Right? I mean, if you've ever tried it, even the real doesn't even, at some point they're just sort of out of control, right? They wanted something initially.

Maybe they wanted an extra cookie, right?

And the mother's like, no, you got one and one is for dessert and two months. It's not good for you. And then at some point, yeah, it was about the cookie. They basically the child wanted something and they were thwarted. They're totally out of control. probably ten minutes in the tantrum they've forgotten about the cookie.

And I think even a three year old might be better at saying, just sad and mad or they'll find a word. But for the narcissistic person, a lot of this is tantrumming. And then there is that sense of, again, everything that's happening for a narcissistic individual is unconscious. It's these tectonic plates. It's almost like an earthquake. The earthquake doesn't say, yo world, about to start shaking your stuff up. Sorry, better get ready. It's just things are moving in these tiny ways. For the narcissistic person, what's happening under them is that there are these unconscious processes. all else, it's the sense of shame if they're inadequacy or they're sort of flawed parts are seen. They have to remain grandiose. They have to be perfect. And if they're not, it's something terrible will happen. That's the psychology of it, right? So anytime anything pops up in them, they feel a little uncomfortable. It's almost like a rumbling in their tummy. They're like, don't like this feeling, rage, control, dominate. So long as they do those things, it is, it makes them comfortable. So what they've learned over a lifetime is I don't feel comfortable. No, you're going to, you're going to pay for it. And because they don't have empathy, or they lack empathy, or it's variable empathy, they're not thinking of, oh, I better not scream at that person because it might hurt them.

So that part of the processing is cut out of the loop. It's, I don't feel good. It's the three-year-old. And so how do you respond to things like that? Because as you lay out really originally, there's all these different types of effects of way that they're going to approach you or respond to when they're feeling out of control.

I had actually had you say in a video where you said, you know, sometimes you want to express

your emotions to that person. sort of the way that they're going to approach you or respond to you when they're feeding out of control. I had actually had you say in a video where you said,

you know, sometimes you want to express your emotions to that person. But then the narcissist doesn't like your show in emotion. But then when you don't show emotion, the narcissist doesn't like you to show emotion. Right, so again, the show of emotion that works for them, I should say, is the show of emotion that allows them to feel in control and dominant.

So let's say you're crying in front of the narcissistic person, sharing your sadness because you found out that they had betrayed you. They had an affair or they'd have an inappropriate relationship, right? The narcissistic person knows what bad behavior is. They know that being a cheater means you're not a good guy, but their vision of themselves is as a great guy. And they did what they wanted to do because it felt good at the time to get their supply and validation. But now it's got them in a bit of hot water. People are going to think they're bad. Well, they ain't going to have that. So somebody crying at a time like that, they don't get power from that. They feel shame because they're the reason that person is crying and they know that. But instead of saying, I am so sorry and taking ownership and taking responsibility, more shame, they don't do that. They get angry at the person for showing me emotion because they're angry at the thing that brought

up this bad feeling. Does that make sense? You made me fail bad by feeling bad about the bad thing I did. I know that sounds like a big circle, but that's what they're upset about. So that emotion they don't like. They like the emotion when they bring up something And you're, I am the thing.

And they're calm.

Because a calm person always looks like the one in control. So when they get someone to, and they're saying, like, I don't understand why you're being so dramatic about this, then they're in the driver's seat. That's the kind of emotion they do like. Anything that puts them in a position of dominance, power, control, they like that. You crying because they hurt you, they don't like that. Different kinds of emotions. Yeah, so is that why I've heard you also say they'll call you two sensitive, two dramatic, two over the top, use all these words to shame your emotion, which can be very valid. But that also in those moments, I think it dismisses us, that or not even dismisses us, it can make you second-guess, am I being too sensitive? Is this just me? So even though you know you're in this dynamic with that person, they're going to use these certain ways to manipulate you. How do you start to know? And maybe this is a bit of a trick question, How do you know that it isn't you? Because all the work we do to help someone or I guide people to do when they're healing from these relationships has to be on themselves. The narcissistic person is a side issue to me. They're the stimulus, they're the catalyst, right? They are, they're not even that important. It's the a person doing the deep dive into themselves. You need to know who you are, right? And be able to be self-reflective. So, and understand what the sort of spectrum of normal responses are. It's a pretty wide spectrum, but what constitutes normal. But it's also about knowing your history that sometimes Disate, if you will, and I put that in quotes, responses to something can have origins in trauma. They can have origins in self-protection from early experiences, right? And it may be that their reaction, it is too much. It is too much for the situation. And for the person to say, yep, I see, I get it. get it and they'll say that was probably too much. It is too much for the situation. And for the person to say, yep, I see, I get it. And they'll say, that was probably too much. I also though understand why I was reacting like that. And they're able to see it more holistically, right? Because at those times when we have that sort of understanding of self, we're almost prepared on the front end when we go into a situation like that saying, okay, this is not going to be easy for me. This is going to bring up a lot for me. So I either have to give myself permission to step out of it for a second. You excuse myself, maybe splash some cold water on my face, train myself to breathe through it, and understand I probably won't get it just right and be self forgiving to myself, but that we are, none of us are robots. No one's ever going to respond perfectly in every situation to do the deeper dive. What was happening for me? What was driving me? What was I responding to? And as you do that, it's about knowing yourself and normalizing sort of what was happening for you. And you made and said, no, that probably was too much. But now that I get it, I'm not going to doubt and blame myself. But I might need to check myself next time. And so how do you check yourself in those moments though, right? Because if you've been in a gnosis relationship where that person has just year after year, off the year, chipped away at you and telling you that you're no good, telling you that you don't have value, telling you that you're useless, how do you start to really know your worth in that situation so that if they're trying to bring you down, if they're trying to, you know, either gas like you or really just manipulate you into believing that you're no good so that you don't leave. How can you keep going back to a base that maybe you haven't developed?

So here's where it gets tricky. Some of you have to know some decent things about yourself. And it may not be that somebody's walking out saying, I am great, I'm wonderful at rather, I'm resilient. I've managed to keep it together in this relationship. Despite all the the adversities I've had, I still get up in the morning like everyone has strengths,

right? Understanding some of that. But here's where we're going to use your tactics word again, right? This is where the person who's dealing with a narcissistic person needs tactics, right? If you're being gaslighted, if you're being raged up by somebody who you've seen over time, consistently has been their pattern, not engaging is the only path. And it's no longer that I'm good, I'm great, I'm nothing. It's the tactic here is to not engage with this person. So, and it is going to take a toll on you, to be screamed at to hear things that matter to you, be shouted at, to be told you're this, you're that, but you're going to radical acceptance. Like this is coming out of the body of a person or the head of a person or mind of a person who doesn't have a strong sense of self, who doesn't know how to regulate. You're not signing off on it, you're not agreeing with it, but you're not engaging with it. That's the piece. It's the, it's not that you're sitting and taking it, but you're, you know, you're almost mildly dissociating at those times. Like if there's no way out, it's the, you know, what you're dealing with. It's really that and not, and again, doing whatever you can do inside of yourself, whether it's breathing. Some people have mantras, some people have prayers. Some people will study a room. I'll be like, if you were doing that to me now, I might find myself lost in sort of, let me describe this room that's around me. Oh, there's white flowers over there and they're in the shape of the tree. I have like they get lost in the environment because what's coming at you is nonsense, right? And and then you say, okay, I okay, and then you just go like you're good listening to something absurd. That's only going to make, if the narcissist is going off on you and you stay calm like that, that volume is going to go up and up and up. Now obviously, as I always say in this channel, I am not talking about cases where you're escalating to physical violence. That's an entirely different conversation you're focused on. safety, the whole get the F out of there, like anything you can do to stay safe, that's a different conversation. I'm not even touching that here. I'm talking about something, the screaming, screaming, yelling, screaming, you know, getting so agitated that you are, you're just staying as calm and you're really figuring out how am I going to get myself out of this situation. I may even trail you out of the door and keep yelling and screaming and yelling and screaming,

but it's not engaging it. That is so important. And so don't even say yes, you're right, even just to shut it down. Depends on what you're trying to do. So it's just funny, I just shot a video about that. This is more like, it's very top of mind for me. And the video was really about this idea of how people feel kind of gross when they give in.

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