Hi everyone I'm Lexi Lombardin you were listening to the... that was a one-handed drum roll the fifth episode of the Lexi podcast.

Happy birthday to us. We just hit one month. Yeah, congratulations to us. I was thinking about it because one month that's really a baby and a year from now if you're listening to this, you will get to confidently know that you are one of the OGs.

You listen to one of the first five episodes of this podcast.

I'm excited for you. I'm excited for me. And this... of this

episode episode is going to be about something that I will still title the episode

as, but first and foremost, we need to talk about hiding and wanting to run away from our

existence because that's where I'm feeling and what I'm feeling like doing right now. I don't want to be here, but I don't

know where I want to be. I went home to Virginia to stay with my family for Christmas. And I spent every single day with an underlying stress that I was going to somehow

at the grocery store, going through, gate at my grandparents' neighborhood to get in, like accidentally

have someone cough on me and get COVID and give it to my mom and then cause her to die.

Like I, that was the thought that was running on full speed in my head.

The entire trip and that can be like mildly debilitating thinking that your every move

could potentially put your own mother the person who brought you into this world in

danger so I had to leave I was like I can't deal with this anymore. I had a breakdown. I have been having many many many

breakdowns. I'm in a little bit of a dark place right now. I'll say it, but I don't need anyone to worry. I'm not in a

depressed place. I have too many negative feelings, not no feelings. I'm not

numb. I'm feeling everything and just a lot of those things are not

quintessentially positive feelings and in some ways I'm very lucky and I normally am quite an optimist and I keep my spirits high just naturally and I put work towards it.

So when I do have these moments where I'm stressed and crying, it honestly takes a lot for tears to come out of me.

So when they do, sort of welcome them with open arms and it feels really good. I was just telling my friend that last night I was

lying down on my couch with my phone on my chest and I listened to folklore and

evermore on repeat three times that six album listens and just cried the whole time.

...