Summary Supercut: Sorcerer's Stone

The Quibbler: A Harry Potter Book Club

Heather Price-Wright & Alex Dalenberg

Arts

4.8 • 787 Ratings

🗓️ 10 June 2020

⏱️ 15 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

As promised, and because you gorgeous people raised THOUSANDS of dollars in the last 2 weeks for bail funds, criminal justice reform, affordable legal services, community health organizations, local and national Black Lives Matter affiliates, and more, here are all the summaries of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, spliced together. Here's what we learned: 1) WOW the early audio was bad; how did anyone get through this? 2) We used to do these way faster, and with remarkably few line-by-line dialogue recreations. 3) Buh-buh-buh motherf*ing was a Book 2 innovation.

Transcript

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0:00.0	All right. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer Stone in chapters one through five, and I'm going to try to do 30 seconds.
0:06.8	Uh, do a minute. Do a minute? Yeah. All right. In a minute. In one minute. We meet Vernon Dersley. He's real freaked out because there's some strange feline behavior in his neighborhood. He goes to work. He sees weird people out and about.
0:23.1	But, you know, it's not like your normal strange commuters.
0:26.1	They're all in cloaks and stuff.
0:33.0	Later that night, Minerva McGonigal, Albus Dumbledore, out in front of his house.
0:34.6	Minerva McGonigal is the cat.
0:36.9	She's the cat, BT Dubs.
0:39.8	Talking about the end of the Wizarding War,
0:41.7	they got this kid, Harry Potter,
0:43.9	his parents are collateral damage,
0:45.6	assassinated by Lord Voldemort.
0:47.5	Somehow, he survived.
0:50.1	They're dropping him off with his aunt and uncle.
0:53.5	Minerva's like, whoa, these people seem terrible.
0:57.0	Dumbledore's like, deal with it, I know everything. Fast forward, 11 years, Harry Potter horribly abused, living in a cupboard.
1:03.0	His cousin, Dudley Dursley, real fat and mean.
1:07.0	They get to go to the zoo, Harry gets to go through a zoo through a variety of logistical
1:12.7	problems where they can't leave him behind they see a snake harry gets to talk to the snake that's not
1:19.4	normal dudley shubs him over glass disappears am i explaining this okay yeah he sticks the snake on Dudley. Yeah, well, he doesn't
1:28.3	stick him on to... The snake nips. Harry's a fire-minded person. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. Then Harry starts
1:34.1	get... Well, we're way past a minute on this, uh, this recap. The first... It's very dense.
1:39.8	Well, so keep going. So then Harry starts getting these letters. His letters. He's never gotten letters before. He doesn't even have a library card so that can't even be from the library.
	...

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