Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about stress-reducing conversations.

How's your day, hon? I'm sure you've said that to your partner, or they've said it to you a million times as you've walked through the door at the end of the day. But do you really mean it? Do you really want to know?

And when your partner responds, do you really hear them? Or is their voice just white noise in the

background as you scroll through the messages on your phone? Or start to make dinner? Or scan your

kid's homework assignment? If this is you, take heart. you scroll through the messages on your phone, or start to make dinner, or scan your kids' homework

assignment. If this is you, take heart. It's the typical scenario in lots of homes, but you can

connect at the end of a long day with what we call a stress-reducing conversation, where you

actively listen to your partner about their day by giving them your absolute undivided

attention. And this means not just hearing them, but truly listening with empathy and non-judgment.

But remember, this conversation is only about stress outside of your relationship. It's not the

time to talk about any lingering conflict between the two of you. The goal is to show support for each other in other areas of your lives, so the stress doesn't spill over into your personal relationship.

Here are some quick tips. Take turns complaining, with one of you as the speaker and the other one as the listener.

Give your partner 15 minutes to complain about anything that happened

during their day, as long as it's not about your relationship or each other. And then switch,

but do not give advice. Understanding must come first. Advice can follow later. Stay focused.

Don't let your eyes wander over to the kids or your mind drift to that crossword puzzle clue you still can't get.

Stay laser focused on your partner and show genuine interest.

Be supportive and understanding.

Even if you think their perspective on something that happened during the day might be a bit unreasonable or not what you would have done in the same situation.

Always be on their side and empathize with what they're saying.

Reinforce that you are in this together and are a united team.

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