Wellness + Wisdom | Episode 736

Is your attachment style secretly directing every move you make in a relationship, from how quickly you run away to how desperately you cling?

Silvy Khoucasian joins Josh Trent on the Wellness + Wisdom Podcast, episode 736, to share how our nervous system, childhood attachments, and self-imposed boundaries can either block or build authentic love, why some red flags can be transformed into healthy agreements how to break old patterns and self-regulate more effectively, and what it takes to begin creating fulfilling relationships based on curiosity, vulnerability, and mutual respect.

"Even red flags can become yellow flags or green flags if you work on creating agreements to prioritize the safe relationship. Agreements are the gold where you start to recognize how to find the bridge for both people's needs. And then you also set internal boundaries and agreements with yourself so that you're contributing to create that environment" - Silvy Khoucasian

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In This Episode, Silvy Khoucasian Uncovers:

[01:15] Are You Looking for The Red Flags?

• Silvy Khoucasian
• Why everyone has their own red flags in a relationship.
• How red flags can be related to an unbalanced nervous system.
• When we don't understand our self-narratives, we will search for evidence that already exists in our brains.
• Why Silvy went on 300 dates before she met her husband.
• How she was always searching for the red flags.
• Why red flags can turn into green flags when we make agreements.
• The difference between rigid and healthy boundaries.
• How boundaries can become a trap that prevents us from creating a connection.

[07:45] Four Attachment Styles

• 548 Dr. Stan Tatkin | Healing Toxic Relationships: What’s The Bite That Fits Each Other’s Wounds?
• How attachment styles are formed in our childhood.
• Why unpredictable behavior in parents causes anxiety in children in their adult life.
• How Silvy wanted a relationship but always left when she got scared.
• Why reassurance from her husband helped her heal her attachment style.
• It's normal to have vulnerabilities in a relationship.

[14:10] Learn to Self-Regulate

• Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin
• The differences between each of the four attachment styles.
• Why we unconsciously relive our childhood memories as adults, even when we don't remember them.
• It Didn't Start with You by Mark Wolynn
• How we only discover our wounds when we get into a relationship.
• Why it's important to learn to self-regulate.
• How we can co-create safety with other people.

[19:55] Create Positive Interactions With Your Partner

• Why relationships are not easy for most of us.
• How we create agreements in a relationship to protect ourselves from ourselves and from each other.
• Why vulnerability is the key to creating connection.
• The Gottman Institute: The Five Positive Interactions
• Why there's no point in being in a relationship if we're not attuned to our partner.

[25:40] Replace Judgment with Curiosity

• 727 LLS | Discernment of Deception: How To Sharpen Your Intuition When Many Roads To Hell Are Paved With Good Intentions
• Why it's hard to be curious about another person if we're not curious about ourselves.
• How Silvy felt lonely inside because she put all of her focus on others.
• Why curiosity is the antidote to judgment.
• How we want our partner to be like us when we're in a conflict.

[28:45] How to Express Emotions in A Relationship

• Why men are not meant to always hold space and emotionally regulate their partner.
• How to be respectful towards our partner when we emote.
• Why women's emotional outbursts can violate men's boundaries and create resentment over time.
• 435 Dr. John Gray | Wellness In Relationships: Testosterone, Estrogen, Semen Retention & Sexual Polarity
• Why women need to learn to hold space for men to be vulnerable.
• The importance of being able to share emotions without harming the other person.
• How Josh navigates conflicts with his partner.

[35:45] Expression Instead of Projection

• Why it's important to have role models who are securely attached.
• How Silvy learned to express her wounds instead of projecting them.
• Why they constantly create new agreements with her husband.
• How to navigate potential threats to the relationship.

[40:25] Heal Your Deepest Wounds

• Which wound Silvy needed to heal in order to be in a relationship.
• How she learned to speak up for herself and walk away from where she was mistreated.
• Why Josh struggled with an anxious attachment wound.
• How avoidant people seek control to keep themselves safe.

[46:55] The Anxious + Avoidant Relationship Dynamic

• The positive traits of anxious and avoidant people.
• Why anxious and avoidant attachment styles are drawn to each other.
• How the anxious person makes the avoidant even more avoidant.
• The importance of communicating our needs with clarity.
• Where passive-aggressive communication comes from.
• How anxiously attached people struggle with vulnerability.
• Why agreements help us move towards secure attachment.

[52:05] How to Heal Attachment Wounds

• Why avoidant individuals are not truly present in the relationship.
• How avoidant attachment style is formed through neglect.
• Why we leave relationships when there is no willingness.
• How IFS therapy and parts work are going to help us heal our relationship wounds.
• Attached by Amir Levine + Rachel Heller
• Why it's important to understand the vulnerabilities of the other person.
• How Silvy utilizes solution-focused therapy in her work.

[59:25] Why You Ignore The Red Flags

• How seeing the potential in our partner can make us miss the red flags.
• Why the anxious attachment style causes us to ignore the negative traits of a potential partner.
• How acknowledging and grieving childhood pain provides healing.
• Why the avoidant attachment style makes us idealize the other person.
• How Josh used to put his podcast guests on a pedestal.
• Why we only start noticing the flaws of the other person after a few months.

[01:05:10] What Does True Love Feel Like?

• Why true love can feel boring but safe.
• How we're drawn to what feels familiar.
• Why Silvy felt more chemistry in her last relationship because she was grasping for the connection she was not getting.
• The importance of not relying on relationships to feel happy and alive.

[01:08:30] How Feminism Changed Relationships

• How some teachers teach from their wounds.
• What women are fighting for.
• How women finally have the opportunity to express themselves.
• Why the female and male roles are shifting because of feminism.
• How men are paying for the sins of their fathers and grandfathers.
• Why men need to establish communication boundaries with their partner.

[01:16:30] Men Are Being Called Forth to Provide

• Why men have to do more than men ever had to do before.
• How men can't understand women on a visceral level and vice versa, but we can be curious about each other's experiences.
• Why some men are scared of women.
• How women desire greater range and capacity from men.

[01:22:15] Family Dynamics

• What role children play within a relationship.
• The importance of having one primary caregiver in order to form a secure attachment.
• Why some men want to be the primary caregiver.
• How our main goal is to create peace.

[01:27:30] The Dark Side of Vulnerability + What Vulnerability Truly is

• How vulnerability has become co-opted.
• Why the perception of vulnerability is subjective.
• Vulnerability is the courage to reveal emotional risks.
• Why transparency doesn't equal vulnerability.
• How vulnerability is relational.
• Why being vulnerable without borders can be harmful.

[01:35:30] Vulnerability Requires Boundaries

• How we learn through teaching others.
• Jordan Pickell
• How radical honesty can be inappropriate.
• Why internal boundaries help us navigate vulnerability.
• What makes us become susceptible to cults.
• How Silvy's learning to be in integrity and have self-compassion.

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Power Quotes From The Show

There's Too Much Pressure on Romantic Love

"There's never been more pressure on romantic love. We used to look to God and spirituality for our connection to those places and now we look to creating that in conscious relationships. We rely a little too much on relationship for that feeling of aliveness, but do we actually have that aliveness in other parts of our lives?" - Silvy Khoucasian

Women's Emotions Are Not Men's Responsibility

"Having a man that just has tolerate anything and just be this rock and hold the space and just receive, that's not even healthy for her. That's not going to keep her in integrity with herself. Being able to witness the range of emotion is important on both sides, but not from a place of where you could just spew out any words and stories and assumptions that comes out with that. That's actually a boundary violation." - Silvy Khoucasian

Move Towards Safety

"You have to look for signs that your relationship is moving in the direction of healing, more safety, and more connection. And it doesn't mean you're not going to have those struggles. You are. But how do you learn from those things? And do you have a partner who's willing to co-create that safety together? And sometimes it's us that's contributing to that lack of safety. Can we be really honest about that?" - Silvy Khoucasian

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Links From Today's Show 

• Silvy Khoucasian
• 548 Dr. Stan Tatkin | Healing Toxic Relationships: What’s The Bite That Fits Each Other’s Wounds?
• Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin
• It Didn't Start with You by Mark Wolynn
• The Gottman Institute: The Five Positive Interactions
• 727 LLS | Discernment of Deception: How To Sharpen Your Intuition When Many Roads To Hell Are Paved With Good Intentions
• 435 Dr. John Gray | Wellness In Relationships: Testosterone, Estrogen, Semen Retention & Sexual Polarity
• Attached by Amir Levine + Rachel Heller
• Jordan Pickell