Shame, Shame Go Away...And Don't Come Back Another Day!

The Virtual Couch

Tony Overbay LMFT

Education, Mental Health, Health & Fitness, Self-improvement

5 • 643 Ratings

🗓️ 17 May 2022

⏱️ 38 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Why do we often default to shame? Tony Overbay, LMFT, often says that in working with individuals trying to overcome addiction or trying to be the very best version of themselves, exactly 0 out of a few thousand people he has worked with have used shame as a tool for recovery. Yet when we stop and let our thoughts take over, they often go back to the "what's wrong with me, I'm a bad person" story. Today Tony identifies the root causes of shame, why it doesn't help, and what to do when you find yourself heading down that path of toxic shame. Tony also shares the metaphor of the unwelcome neighbor, and he references Compassion Focused Therapy https://welldoing.org/types/compassion-focused-therapy (https://welldoing.org/types/compassion-focused-therapy)http://tonyoverbay.com/worksho (http://tonyoverbay.com/worksho)p to sign up for Tony’s “Magnetize Your Marriage” virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you’ll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch (http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch) can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch (http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch), you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch (http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch) offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com (http://tonyoverbay.com/) and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ (https://descript.com/?lmref=bSWcEQ)

Transcript

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0:00.0	So imagine that you have a new house and you've invited all the neighbors over to a housewarming party.
0:06.0	Everybody in the whole neighborhood is invited.
0:07.7	You even put signs up all over the place that you are having the biggest housewarming party that you could ever imagine.
0:13.7	So all the neighbors show up.
0:14.6	And the party is going great.
0:16.6	But then here comes Joe the bum.
0:18.6	He lives behind the supermarket.
0:20.4	He lives in this trash dumpster.
0:21.7	Everybody's familiar with Joe. They kind of avoid him because he's kind of stinky, smelly, and you
0:25.6	think, oh man, why did he show up? But then you admit to yourself, you did say on the sign, literally,
0:30.5	everybody is welcome. So can you see that it's possible for you to welcome him and really fully
0:37.1	do that without liking that he's here?
0:40.0	Because you can welcome him even though you don't think well of him and you don't have to like him.
0:44.4	You don't have to like the way he smells or his lifestyle or his clothing.
0:48.1	And you might even be embarrassed about the way he's dipping his hands into the punch bowl and drinking from his fists or what he's doing to the
0:54.9	finger sandwiches. Your opinion of him, your evaluation of him, is absolutely distinct from your
1:00.6	willingness to have him as a guest in your home. Now, you could also decide that even though you
1:04.8	said everybody was welcome, in reality, Joe is not welcome. But as soon as you do that, then the
1:09.6	whole party changes. And now you have to
1:11.6	be at the front of the house and you're guarding the door so that you can't come back in. And you're
1:15.1	spending most of your time telling your people, I don't know why he's here. I don't want him in.
1:18.2	Did you guys? Or if you say, okay, you're welcome, but you don't really mean it. You only mean that he's welcome as long as he stays in the kitchen and he doesn't mingle with the other guests, then you're going to have to be constantly on guard and making him do that,
	...

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