You can't undo something you wish had done differently, without also unraveling all of the good things about you that have brought you the good things in your life.

Welcome to the Love Life podcast with me, Matthew Hussey. Enjoy this clip we've put together for you today. I think you're going to love it.

We got an email in Matthew from a man, 27 in Denmark and he says, Hi, if we can do all these things right and wrong in dating, which you address in your advice, how can it be true to say that the right person will also choose you?

I was recently dumped by a girl I dated for six weeks and I have been torturing myself ever since trying to figure out if I lost out on her because I failed to implement the advice you give on dating and flirting. Thank you so much for your wonderful work.

What a great question. Do we know his name or he didn't offer his name or doesn't want to?

His name is in the subject line, but not in the email. I feel that gets to the crux of if there's fate or choice in love.

I believe that this is a paradox to be managed. That we do have a choice over how we act, how we behave, but that we also, and of course what that does is it is a paradox.

What that does is it invites the kind of self-loathing and guilt and anxiety that comes from thinking we blew it. We could have done something different and we blew it.

Had we done something different, we would have still had that person now.

But then of course someone will watch me in another video and say that person, if they didn't choose you, then they won't for you.

People will say, well, how do you manage those two ideas? Because if I had done something different, your entire advice and what you do is based on this idea that we can change the results we're getting based on changes in our behavior.

And if there's a right person for me, then I can't blow it with them. Like how can I blow it? If they're the right person and we match, then is it possible to blow it with the one?

So firstly, it would certainly have been true that had you done something different in a relationship that you were in, you would have gotten a different result.

Now, the different result may not have been the result you wanted or it may have. It may have been that that person decided they wanted to stay with you.

It might be that if you did something different, they would have stayed with you for another six months before bailing or you would have prolonged the relationship by another two years.

If you didn't have that argument that you had that day that precipitated the breakup, that argument may have happened a week later, you...

It would have changed something, but assuming it would have changed it to the result you want is not necessarily true, highly unlikely.

So that's the first thing, but yes, changes in behavior change the outcome.

But the idea that if only I'd have done something different is where the kind of ridiculous notion. This is where we're torturing ourselves over science fiction.

You did what you did because that's who you were then.

Like, I do believe in a kind of determinism that you were always going to do what you did then.

You wishing you'd done something different is you wanting to be another human being.

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