Well, for the better part of 40 years now, when my wife opens up about something difficult,

I don't react emotionally, I go into Fix It mode. That generally doesn't work.

I'm John Fuller, along with Dr. Greg Smalley and his wife, Aaron. They lead the focus marriage

team. Greg, why do I do that?

Why is it so, why haven't I learned that she's not looking for the fix?

Well, you probably ate a lot of lead paint maybe when you were growing up could have been there.

I think what Greg has to say. I think advertisers often talk about the two big

motivators in our life or the fear of loss or the desire for gain and

I think those two actually can play together as why men jump into that fix-it

mode I think for a lot of guys they have such a

desire to help and in their mind really offering solutions and fixing

something I'm hearing Aaron you know have this problem where she's frustrated about this and so the

best way that I can help us to give her a solution that will alleviate the pain.

Yeah just stop doing whatever is leading up to that. Right. And so I don't want to, what I don't want to get lost is I truly do believe there is a desire to genuinely help and that's a part of how a man really is trying to love his wife in those moments.

I'm not saying that it works or it gets the desired effect.

So I think that's one, the desire for help, but I think there's also a fear of helplessness.

I think a lot of guys feel uncomfortable when they're confronted with their wife's emotional distress or a woman's emotional distress.

And so I think offering a solution is probably a way to regain

maybe that sense of control or how to feel competent in that situation.

And so again, I think the growth opportunity for all of us,

as guys is to one, and ask your wife, is that helpful actually when I offer a solution as you're

sharing something or maybe is there something else I could do that would be more impactful for you in that moment and help us to even feel more connected.

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