I wonder if you've ever heard a sermon or something on the radio and you thought,

you know, I sure hope my spouse is hearing the import of this. Maybe you've been guilty of that.

I'm John Fuller along with Greg Smalley and his wife Aaron. They lead the focused

marriage team. Greg you're you're chuckling about that. I mean, this is a pretty common thing, I think. We want our spouse to hear something so they can improve. And I've, I'm guilty. I lived a long time thinking if she would just change it would be so much better

Aaron why is that the wrong filter to be looking through?

I'm smiling because Greg doesn't know but there's a lot of times I'm going oh I hope he's hearing this

And if not I can tell him I can summarize it for him later

I have selective hearing.

I knew how to deal with that.

But so often we focus on the other person,

but as we know, focusing on the other person actually leads you to feel powerless.

Because if you're already feeling out of control and you're focusing on the other person to try to game control,

really we end up powerless. So the best place you can go first and foremost is what's going on with me.

And even me going, oh, I hope he hears this, what's going on with me? Why am I hoping that Greg hears this, what am I feeling.

And then it's much more powerful to go to him and offer.

I'm feeling, I'm feeling out of control. I'm feeling helpless. I'm feeling out of control I'm feeling helpless I'm feeling what and then to

share that then he can lean into that versus when I'm pointing a finger at him

more than likely I will be met with defensiveness.

Yeah, yeah, well so defensiveness on their part and then this critical spirit, this negativity

in my head, if I just kind of keep looping that about my spouse my spouse and I don't own my part of this right or look at what I can do as you said I'll be a victim and then I'm just I'm going to be unhappy

Yeah, so often whatever we're

pointing out and other people are really the things that we have going on inside

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