Regret, Remorse, and Resentment

Conversations with Dr. Jennifer

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife

Self-improvement, Education, Mental Health, Sexuality, Health & Fitness

4.4 • 978 Ratings

🗓️ 9 April 2024

⏱️ 56 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Making mistakes is a fundamental part of human development. Many of us were taught that if we followed the rules we could avoid the pain and frustration of making mistakes. And while it is true that leaning on the wisdom of others and making wise decisions can prevent suffering, none of us are exempt from the mistake-making process. Because making mistakes isn’t an aberration from the plan, it is a process that is foundational to it. Mistakes, by design, are how we learn. As with all growth, mistake-making is an uncomfortable process. When our choices result in pain and suffering for ourselves or others, we can use the experience to learn and increase our wisdom or we can stay stuck in unproductive regret or simmering resentment. In this powerful discussion, Dr. Finlayson-Fife teases out the difference between regret, resentment, and remorse and offers clarity on what these unpleasant emotions can teach us about ourselves and the way we are showing up in our lives and relationships. You can watch the recording of conversation HERE. You can learn more about Room for Two, Dr. Finlayson-Fife's couples' coaching podcast, HERE.

Transcript

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0:00.0	Welcome to Conversations with Dr. Jennifer, a collection of interviews on the topics of relationships, sexuality, and more, all featuring Dr Finlason Fife.
0:29.7	Hey everyone, listening to Room for 2 will help you see how to take the concepts I talk about in podcast episodes like this one, as well as in my online courses, and apply them to your own life and relationships.
0:37.0	Listening to other couples work with me will help you see that you're not alone in your struggles,
0:41.0	and will show you what you can do to create real change.
0:45.0	Click the link in our show notes to learn more about subscribing.
0:50.0	Welcome everybody.
0:52.0	Today we're going to talk about regret, remorse, and
0:57.2	resentment. The three hours of misery. Okay. So I want to just talk about how I think about each one of those first and then I'll address some of the questions that Christie compiled for me that are coming from the
1:13.0	asking elders marriage and sexuality therapist group.
1:17.0	So let's start with remorse.
1:19.0	So remorse is a feeling, it's when we feel bad about a bad thing that we've done.
1:28.0	It's the emotion we feel when we confront that our behavior is not in line with our ideals or the kind of person that we
1:39.7	Respect and it's a very, very valuable emotion, even though it's an uncomfortable one, because
1:48.5	remorse always moves you forward. So remorse is like, I don't like that I've done that and I am going to do that differently.
1:57.1	I am not proud of that behavior and I have to do better.
2:02.2	And so it's really measured by new action.
2:05.8	It isn't measured by feeling bad about yourself
2:08.4	or feeling you're a terrible person.
2:10.4	You may feel some of those feelings.
2:12.4	But the measure is really in changing and
2:15.8	acknowledging that's not okay with me to indulge in that behavior or to treat somebody that way, I have to do better.
2:25.0	So it leads to change.
	...

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