After running countless scenarios of possible invasions of the continental United States,

military strategists have repeatedly concluded our most vulnerable point

is the booming eastern Washington City of Spokane.

From there it's quick work to dispatch the industrial powerhouses and population centers

of the Idaho Panhandle and Eastern Oregon and gain control of the strategically crucial Missoula, Montana.

It is with this premise that studio executives from MGM made one of the weirdest misallocations

of resources in the history of American cinema.

Starring one of the Helmsworth brothers, several guys named Josh and Adrian Pelicke.

Today's film follows a culturally diverse group of underwear models

as they defend their homeland from an invading, wait for it, North Korean army, mainly because Chinese soldiers

would have negatively impacted the film's overseas box office prospects.

They form a resistance cell, putting their football honed, team-building exercises, and their

sandwich ingredient theft skills to work.

Harassing the invaders and extracting violent revenge for the deaths of their families, they enact the fantasy

resistance to foreign tyranny at the heart of so many recent NRA fundraising campaigns.

These are the patriotic freedom fighters that the current generation of Nintendo

raised open carry ding dongs imagine themselves to be.

The film is a craven effort by a studio to bleed a once exciting concept for new profit

without really bothering to reflect upon nor update what appealed to people about the source material 26 years prior.

It somehow glorifies American kids acting as freedom fighters.

While those same kids in real life would be sent to Afghanistan to combat kids over there

ostensibly doing the same thing. It is just that incomprehensible all the way through.

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