Welcome to It's a Good Life with Brian Bafini, founder of America's largest business coaching company.

Here's a short, classic cut from one of our all-time favorite episodes.

Top of the morning to you. Very excited. We have Dr. John Deloney back in the house today.

Thank you. I love your work and I think this is right up your alley. So maybe we could talk a little bit about the whole concept to own in your past to change the future.

You've got to go backwards so you can go forwards. The challenge is that a lot of people do that in their businesses, they won't do it in their marriages. And they won't do it in their parenting. And they won't do it with why they're so angry at the Little League game. And so all of this stuff comes from a collective body. And you and I talked about this a little bit. And the last time we were together a collective body of stories there's a set of stories that

were born into and these are the ones that our church passes along to us this idea that this is just

what mom looks like it's a picture of mom and anything not in that picture is wrong it's incorrect

it's less than and we don't even realize that we're downloading those pictures into our minds.

They just are, right? And then we have the stories that we're told. Those, you know, and it can be everything from,

can you believe that so and so Susie down the street, that she doesn't make dinner every night for her family?

And those are the stories aren't even about us, but they download into,

oh, this is what a wife and mom does. And then there's the more insidious ones that are, oh, honey, when 11 year old girl comes down the stairs, that shirt makes you look pudgy. And you don't, you want the boys to think you're pretty, right? And well, you want boys to like you, right? And he's like, yeah, of course, mom.

Let's go change that shirt.

Little bitty things that the only way to get boys to like you, right? And he's like, yeah, of course, mom. Let's go change that shirt.

Little bitty things that the only way to get somebody to like you is if you look right. And we carry those stories. And then this is where it gets insidious, Brian, is over time the stories were told by our church, by our community, by our government. in the churches were told, the stories were told by our uncle about what our body's worth or our coach who lifted us, whatever.

Those stories become the stories we

tell ourselves. And there's a lot of great research about how most of us think we're better

than average, just about everything. We trust our voice. And when we start telling ourselves,

I can see my reflection in the mirror,

I'm not attractive. I'm not good at this. I'm not good at being a mom as my mom was. I'm not very good at parenting or my kid just sucks because it's their fault. Then you start telling your stories

yourself in your own voice. And that's when you get that limiting factor that this is just the way we are. This is the way I am. This is quote unquote the way things are going to be. And you're saying the research is we listen to our own voice the most. Oh, we think we are. I don't say we, I don't know, I haven't checked out that research. I'm saying that when we hear ourselves in our own voice, we trust it because we think we are the most trustworthy person in our world.

Right. So when we say negative things to ourselves. Oh, we believe them. You know, I did work 20 years ago with Dr. Shad Helmstetter, who wrote a book, what to say when you talk to yourself. What a brilliant concept, man. Beautiful. Shad Helmstetter, and this is back in the 80s, he was a linguist.

...