The first time I saw me told you, it was like looking at one of them guards outside of Granny's Palace, all tall and erect, unmoving, unflappable, a large crimson shaft, topped off by a jet black hat all covered in fur.

But for me, my guard was a god without a mission.

He had no one to protect until I met me Megan.

And I snogged her, and I looked at a minge,

and I kissed her on the lips.

But my, my mum, well, my mum passed.

My gran.

Me da.

My nonce uncle.

They all say, that American actress, what's she in?

What's she?

I never even seen it.

Is she in succession?

And I said, no, she's in suits.

And they're like, what is that?

And I say, I don't know, I thought it was like billions, but then I looked it up when I was reading

this book and I realized it's a different show. And they said, you must leave. You must leave England.

And I said, I'll never leave England. Everything I do is for England.

And Megan, she took me a sign.

She said, in her American voice, she said,

Harry, you're the most handsome ginger in the ginger pile.

Come with me to Montecito.

...