Lemonada.

I'm putting so much pressure on myself to say something interesting.

We're off to a great start, folks.

... The last time I remember feeling this much pressure was when I'm glad my mom died, came out.

Before a book is published, it's sent to critics.

They get like the early preview of it and they read it so that they can have their reviews.

And, you know, you hope to get good reviews because that generates good buzz, whatever.

My book was sent to Booklist and Kirkus and another, I don't remember the third big one,

but it got these starred reviews.

So I knew going in like,

oh my God, it's going to be critically acclaimed. That's amazing. That's cool. And I really had no

expectation for how it would do commercially until I got an email that was, I was not supposed to be

on that email thread. It was supposed to be between other people.

And in the email thread, it said, like, how are we looking on pre-sales for McCurdy's book? Do we think we'll make number one for, like, the New York Times bestseller list.

And I had I had like had high hopes that it would maybe make the list.

But then when I saw that email that there was some expectation or even pressure on it landing in the number one slot, it was like I became fixated on that, obsessed.

I, my heart's like pounding even while I say this.

It was all I could think about.

Like I needed that book to become the number one New York Times bestseller.

This is, I'm, you know, a little embarrassed to admit this,

but if the book had debuted, it did debut at number one, if it had debuted at number two,

I would have, you guys, I would have sobbed. I would have felt like a fucking failure. I would have

...